Work was fine. Had my psychotherapy session after lunch. This time it wasn't pleasant. I felt like I was annoying with all those confusions of mine. I think there are 4 possible scenarios with me:
1. I'm nonbinary (probably transfem);
2. I'm a transwoman but I don't believe I can ever pass as a woman therefore unconsciously I aim for androgyny;
3. Homophobia and transphobia in me and around me. All this gives me A LOT of confusion and doubts. Also my anxiously obsessive personality isn't helping;
4. There is some weird personality disorder. I doubt this very much.
Thursday
Wednesday
Not a bad day. Got prescribed new antidepressants that shouldn't kill my libido like most antidepressants do.
So dysphoric about my brow area... Fuck it's just nasty. I feel like if I fixed that alone it would make a huge difference.
Tomorrow I have my psychotherapy session. It will be sooooo triggering and painful but that's the only way.
Tuesday
Weird but fine day. Coworkers were congratulating a coworker because it was her birthday. While they were congratulating her I was sitting and kept working. It was uncomfortable but I'm proud. I did what I wanted instead of pleasing others and sacrificing myself.
In the evening I was doing my procedures and noticed I wasn't feeling feminine. These moments are really weird and they aren't helping.
Monday
Weird type of work at work. Hurt my finger a little...
Electrolysis day. Anxiety and dysphoria was the theme today. Even when I was sipping my coffee I felt super anxious. My anxiety-induced paranoia was telling me that those young people were looking at me and laughing. It's very possible there was some truth in that but my reality is distorted. I guess I lack confidence in my looks. Like a lot. I felt dysphoric but at that time I felt like my anxiety was even stronger. I'm so fucking tired of this mental pain.
Sunday
Overslept. Got a laser appointment way too late. It was enough to put me in a negative state. Started focusing on my problems and got really depressed. A quick nap reset everything. That not always works but when it does it's amazing.
Saturday
OCD at its best. Lost at least half of the day for my obsessive thought loops. Some of them were useful though...
Whenever I see myself in the mirror from the side I get so dysphoric and sad. In a month or two I'm going to make an appointment with a chiropractor.
Friday
Laser day. I'm disappointed that I won't be getting the results other people have. My damned luck...
Wasted the whole evening which adds to depression. I noticed that when I start wasting time it's hard to stop. I crave for that dopamine hit.
Thursday
A little bit worse day but not too bad. Felt anxious about the painful laser session tomorrow.
I realized that my posture is one of the biggest insecurities for me. I hate my brow area but at least I know it's possible to fix it. However I really doubt I could fix my posture. I hope I can improve it a little but even then it wouldn't look good. I feel like my bad posture could be giving me a lot of confusion and doubts when it comes to my gender...
Wednesday
A much better day. At times I still felt depressed and sad but I was able to see a full picture. Not only I felt much better but also I was a lot more productive. And I guess normal people feel like this or better most of the time. Lucky bastards don't even realize how blessed they are...
Tuesday
Terrible day. I barely went to work. Cried there multiple times, not sure if my coworker heard any sounds. After work had my psychologist appointment. It was quite useful and funny but at the same time I felt very dysphoric. Even hours after the mentioned appointment I would remember my psychologist and I would get very sad I would never look like her.
Monday
The worst day ever. Shit stacked in the morning and the first 3-4 hours of the day were the worst. For the first time in my life I tried to find the best way for my suicide. I started reading on Reddit. Someone was asking the same question and in the comments people were asking not to do it... and that's when I lost it. I couldn't control myself and started crying. Later with coffee and music I was able to get a little better but even in the evening I'm very depressed and sad. I don't know how long I will be able to stand this constant pain...
Sunday
One moment I felt I was falling into darkness but managed to push myself quickly by physically moving and playing some music. It's like I'm constantly trying to keep myself from drowning.
You work and build, you try to reach that happiness... and you can only enjoy that for a short time because not much time is left. Is it even worth it? To build this knowledge and suffer in pain for years and you can only enjoy it for like 10 years? And being like 60-70 is not the same as being in your 30s or 40s. You don't have that quality of life anymore.
Saturday
Half of the day was spent on obsessive thoughts about my situation and gender. I lose a lot of time, energy and my mood is fucked. With such progress I won't make it in time...
Oh and when most of the day is wasted I feel even worse just because of that. Maybe somehow I have to start going harder on myself...
Somehow I feel like my bad [super difficult to fix] posture could add a lot to my confusion...
Friday
I slept a lot and woke up in a decent mood, which is rare. Of course later I got depressed like usual. This pull into darkness is very strong and annoying. The main problem is my distorted view. When I'm stuck in darkness I can't even see the whole picture. And I can't help it most of the time even though I try really hard. I'm tired of working so hard every day just to stay alive. Is it worth it?
Thursday
The first 2-3 hours at work were so fucking hard. I was deeply depressed. My eyes got wet but I couldn't fully cry because I was exhausted after only 4 hours of sleep. Had plenty of suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I would have done it already but I'm quite self-aware when I get stuck in darkness... Then music, coffee and work helped to shift my state just a little. But that was something. I often feel disabled by my mental situation. Oh and my health issues are no joke either so...
Sometimes my face looks alright but sometimes I'm scared of how masculine I can look. Fuck me. I mean it could be worse but it's still very sad.
Wednesday
3 doctor appointments. Possibly another health issue was found.
Was called a boy today. I kinda imagined I was looking a bit androgynous but it seems I was wrong. Even though I know I'm early in the process but I guess I wished more... I guess I'm not lucky when it comes to appearance... So depressing...
Tuesday
In the morning something triggered something and I felt weird, confused, lost and unconfident. But with metal and work I got back to usual. The rest of the day went like usual I guess. It was relatively a decent day.
In the evening I watched detransition video and there I went... obsessive thoughts and ideas about my confusion... Meanwhile whenever I catch myself looking slightly more feminine I'm very happy...
Monday
During the day somehow I felt like I belonged even though I don't feel like I do.
Metal helps me to summon a decent portion of my energy. It works better than caffeine. Usually.
On the bus home I was tired and depressed but not exactly sad. I was looking at people and thinking that all of our lives are pointless. I was calm. Sometimes my darkness feels like Kurama inside me.
Sunday
Depression... Once again focused on painful stuff and went deep into a depressive state. Couldn't really help it. Watched like 10 minutes of one episode and felt my state shifted to almost neutral. I think focusing on something interesting/motivating can help to get out of this negative hole. And then start fresh from a more or less neutral state. It is easier than to climb out from a deep hole. The problem is that when I focus on very painful stuff a bit longer I get stuck in that dark place and it's super hard to get out. I can't even see/feel potential and my dream. I can remember those and I can say those to myself but I can't feel it at that moment. What is real at that moment is darkness.
Saturday
It wasn't too bad but it was super difficult to focus on important stuff even though I felt quite active. Spent most of the day talking with myself. Partly a waste of time.
I needed to do some work and felt like metal wasn't helping me. Then switched to Chocolate Puma and then to Daft Punk. And that did the trick.
I have to create a high income on my own. There is no other way. But especially with my mental state it's an insanely hard thing to do. It's almost like I try to achieve the impossible. Sometimes a doubt kicks in and I can get depressed really bad. Most people want to get rich for fun things. For me it's a life or death thing.
Friday
In the morning I got really messed up when I started focusing on one of my biggest pains - the huge transphobia of my parents. What helps me a little is perspective. I started pushing perspective whenever I start falling into darkness. Often it helps.
I knew that I could have certain emotions linked with music but I didn't think the same works with movies. It could become a useful tool.
Thursday
The same day again... not sure if this lack of sleep is affecting me like this but even though I'm really depressed I still can work. Of course metal helps a bunch.
It's so frustrating to be confused about your gender. It feels like I don't belong anywhere. At the same time I'm constantly feeling FOMO. Seeing all those young transgirls progressing and knowing their path.
Wednesday
The day was the same as yesterday. I felt depressed but numb. Even though that state sucks I'm able to work which is something.
In the evening I saw one transgirl being happy because she pass quite well. That hit me real hard for obvious reasons. For one she is so young and she has so much time ahead. And another thing is that she already pass well. Meanwhile I'm here all confused and messed up... and 30 years old... Caught myself starting to look at everything with negative lenses. Well at least I'm advanced here...
Tuesday
Once again depressed but calm and stable. Could be a lack of sleep or it could be the fact that my brain stabilized a little after using antidepressants for a long time.
I imagined meeting my parents after I transitioned. I think I would feel shame. It's really sad that most people are so against trans people. We already are suffering for our whole lives...
Monday
Early morning and I'm fucked up in the head. Finasteride shedding has started. I can't imagine how my front will look soon...
I cried a little in stealth mode at work because I wasn't alone. I still was working while crying. It was difficult to see because of tears. Later I found some balance I guess.
I have some serious issues in my head/neck area. I can barely finish my light workout because I'm dizzy... Will try to make an appointment with my GP as it's a serious problem.
I don't think I thought about this before... I keep doubting my feelings but at the same time the biggest thing that keeps me going is the possibility to transition. Partly or fully. But still...
Sunday
Last night I had a dream that I got SRS done. In the dream I looked down and was like 'oh wow'. But then I remembered how I looked on the outside and was like 'oh no'. Not sure, maybe I felt some regret... I guess that came from my appearance in general.
During the day I was juggling my depression and possibilities. Also I thought about how it's possible that with my transition I might just look stereotypically 'gay'. That I wouldn't like. What is totally clear for now is the need to look androgynous.
For a long time today I was doing a lot of thinking and planning. Then as usual my OCD kicked in and it became messy. I think that meditation could help in such scenarios. What I found out today was that watching a movie (even if it's just a portion of it) can achieve similar things that meditation would. I watched a part of a certain, slightly motivating, movie and my mind got more calm and more focused.
I feel like I'm always in the darkness alone and the only thing I have with me is a tiny lighter. This is the only thing that keeps me from getting completely consumed.
Sometimes I feel like I have this non-paid job where I work as an analyst of my mind...
Saturday
Yeah overslept, big headache, wasted time. Usual stuff. However when I was applying Minoxidil I noticed more hairs falling out than usual. I guess Finasteride is starting a new shedding... fuck I'm barely holding already. If I will get a shedding similar to the one I had with Minoxidil then it most likely be obvious and I won't be able to hide it... The fucking luck. If I only had decent hair the pain and depression would be a lot less. At least aggressive metal helps to shake things a little.
Friday
A decent day again. In the morning I was quite depressed because of my thin hair but then I managed to keep focusing on work and it balanced out. It's a weird feeling being depressed but at the same time calm and focused.
In the evening I took a nap. When I was half awake I was thinking and went somewhere in my mind. It felt that I figured something out. Almost. I felt like I barely touched it but couldn't take it all. What I felt was that I'm a woman but being confused enby because I don't believe I could ever pass. Maybe it was just some dreaming state. Or maybe it was real.
Thursday
Again a decent day but I have no idea how I did that. I'm on this momentum. Even though I'm deeply depressed and sometimes cry, at work I do a good job a few days in a row. I have no idea. A bit less caffeine, do my best to focus on work and lots of metal. During the day I feel more stable. But that could be because of less caffeine and/or less obsessions. In the evening I even managed to hype myself for a short time. I felt so depressed and dysphoric when I looked in the mirror but then told myself 'I can fix that in the future. What's the problem? Just get rich'. I wish I would be feeling like this more often. Oh and in the evening I also listened to old songs that have good emotions tied to them. I often feel like I'm not in control of myself...
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