Sunday

Last night I had a dream that I got SRS done. In the dream I looked down and was like 'oh wow'. But then I remembered how I looked on the outside and was like 'oh no'. Not sure, maybe I felt some regret... I guess that came from my appearance in general.
During the day I was juggling my depression and possibilities. Also I thought about how it's possible that with my transition I might just look stereotypically 'gay'. That I wouldn't like. What is totally clear for now is the need to look androgynous.
For a long time today I was doing a lot of thinking and planning. Then as usual my OCD kicked in and it became messy. I think that meditation could help in such scenarios. What I found out today was that watching a movie (even if it's just a portion of it) can achieve similar things that meditation would. I watched a part of a certain, slightly motivating, movie and my mind got more calm and more focused.
I feel like I'm always in the darkness alone and the only thing I have with me is a tiny lighter. This is the only thing that keeps me from getting completely consumed.
Sometimes I feel like I have this non-paid job where I work as an analyst of my mind...