Friday

Momentum continues. Also the fact that it's Friday and that the next month I could possibly start my laser journey also helps.

Not sure if the effect will last but my daily words of Goggins seem to help me push forward and work on discipline. OCD was manageable again. Really annoying and exhausting at times but not the worst. Also Im listening to the same Oliver Heldens mix that has some good uplifting songs. That helps a lot. It's just that after some time those will lose some effect. Or maybe they will get boring but will have the ability to trigger the right emotions. That would great.

Now that the weather is more warm I don't wear my hoodie as often and I'm very uncomfortable with my hair. Dysphoric for real. When someone is looking at me I always feel bad. Shit, something has to work. If I only knew I will definitely fix the hair I would be at peace as I would know the pain is temporary.

Thursday

I can't say it was a bad day. David Goggins -> workouts -> working on discipline. It's fucking hard but at the same time I find moments I can enjoy the pain as it feels like progress. Also later I'm a bit proud of myself for doing all this shit. Not sure if it will last or if it's just some temporary coincidence. It feels like I'm on this momentum that even helps with my fears and obsessions. It's still very fucked up and every day is a battle but it's slightly better.

I think I wrote about this but when the obsessive fear/thought starts to cover me and if I push fast and aggressively with some important activity it can help. Going deep with the obsession is a very risky thing to do. Hard to get out of it and recover.

Wednesday

Digitalization is being integrated at work so today there were some new things, it was a bit more active day than usual. Maybe this activity at work triggered some old patterns not sure but for a brief moment I felt like a balanced enby if you will. For a brief moment I felt partly like a guy and usually it never happens. Soon enough it settled. I hate that I'm somewhere in between and nothing is clear. I know that the feminine side is dominating but there seems to be some masculine part somewhere that doesn't allow me to be a woman...

Working on discipline is unpleasant and hard but at the same time it makes me feel a bit better overall.

Tuesday

Work was annoying but manageable. My neck got fucked up so I have 3 constant pains in my body. Try focusing on work when OCD is hitting hard and you feel actual physical pain in 3 places.

Got some negative shit in the evening but I kinda noticed and observed this. I kinda bypassed my usual old models which helped to stay on track. Workouts help! I just hope my back wont make me stop that.

Monday

It was annoying, after lunch I felt that I was wasting my life with this shit. But overall it wasn't too bad. OCD was hitting me hard but I kinda started working on myself yesterday so it kinda balanced out.

Working on discipline a little. 2 tiny workouts a day which is huge considering. Also gave up potato chips which was one of the very few pleasures I had. Some cookies and juice now. It is hard but at the same time I feel better, mentally too. Well I mean Im completely fucked up in the head but I feel a slight difference which is something. Not sure if it will last but I will try to continue.

I want a bigger ass soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much...

Sunday

I hate that tomorrow I have to go to work again...

Today I was researching laser places in the nearest big city. Sexism is real. It seems there is no place doing full bikini for men. Dysphoria kept being triggered the whole day. Everything reminds me of what I'm missing in life being stuck in this fucking body. I hate it so much. Im fucking exhausted. Anyway, emailed 11 places I found asking if they would do full bikini and full face for a man. For a MAN! Fuck me. Im barely holding. Have to do a small workout and hit the shower. Maybe this will help to reset. Yeah it's 11 pm and I feel slightly better and refreshed.

Saturday

Got out of bed 7:30 am and did a mild workout. That's a good start. I have to start slow with workouts as my heart wasn't used to any physical activity for a very long time. And this isn't because I was lazy, it's other problems that made me give up my workouts.

There are not many men that did laser for their faces. Found just a few. My research is done. Well I might need to check laser types later to see what's what but overall Im done. From tomorrow I will start with places in the nearest big city.

Friday

Had to wake up at 7 am, pressed the snooze button and then it was 9 am. It felt like I fucked up already so got out of bed just after 11 am. I need to stop this shit as with this progress and discipline I will never achieve what I have to achieve.

Did some shaving, exfoliation and then IPL leg session. All this took many hours but I'm happy with the job done, especially considering that I was paralyzed from pain just a few days ago.

Today I was physically active for hours. After that I noticed that I felt a bit more fresh in my mind. OCD wasn't too crazy and I felt a bit more stable. Could be just a coincidence but that's something to note.

Now with the remaining few hours going to surf Reddit for laser facial hair removal of men (to see if the results are also good for people who aren't on HRT).

From tomorrow (mostly from the next week) Im going to research places that does laser. Need to find a place that does face and full bikini for men... Every time I have to refer to myself as a man I feel a slight disgust.

Sometimes I play with my camera's fun mode. Get super dysphoric but at the same time motivated to move forward.

Today I was physically active

Thursday

Forgot to write yesterday. Won't do that now as yesterday wasn't special and I don't really remember much.

Wasted some time watching the first Avatar. Felt a bit bad about it as I should. Then OCD kicked in... then later I watched an episode of Veneno. It was a bit sad and negative episode which added some negativity. And of course maybe it was a mistake to start watching these series as my dysphoria is triggered every second. I don't know, thought that maybe I have to get used to being triggered. So far it's still very painful and hard.

I was reading some comments about laser hair removal and for some weird reason there was some spark in my mind. For a split second I KNEW I was a woman and I was just covering everything up with other shit. After a minute it settled. So was it real or it was just a weird thought? I wish I was gay and that's it. It would be so so so so much simpler.

Depressed af. I noticed that if I'm fucked up and I do something quickly different and/or change my usual environment it helps. It's like the pattern gets interrupted or something and it can be a bit easier to get out of this shit.

I want to have a SO soooo bad. I crave intimacy, cuddles and kisses. Sometimes when I think about it I feel such deep sadness.

Tuesday

Hope is there. Physically got a bit better so maybe there is a future. Won't be going to work for a few days so will have some time to relax a bit and progress with my research.

Finished a 2nd episode of Veneno. The end almost brought me to tears. Love triumphed. I'm so sure it wouldn't be the case if I came out. So painful and sad.

Anyway, fucked up journey continues...

Monday

So I wasn't able to go to a trichologist and now the nearest appointment is after a whole month... My back pain from yesterday got way worse, I never experienced anything like this. I was almost paralyzed. Couldnt change sides during the night, also I was barely able to even go to the toilet... Im so fucked up in every way that I'm not even able to work on problems... The injection helped a bit to let me function. Hope this will pass as I wouldn't live like this...

Sunday

Tomorrow is my 2nd visit to a trichologist. That's a small step forward no matter what happens. Worried af though.

PAIN. Mental and physical, holy shit. I doubt it can get worse at this point. Im standing here writing this while it's hard to even breathe. You can't ignore it or not think about it when you barely can take a shower. It's not always that bad but when it is, how the fuck I can fix this? There are so many problems I haven't found even time to start dealing with and this shit keeps adding. Fuck it, let's see how long I can keep going...

Saturday

Slept a lot, shaved, talked on Reddit (laser research), a big headache going on the whole day. Going to bed earlier than usual so I can start tomorrow early and compensate a bit for fucked up Saturday.

Friday

Manageable day, fucked up evening. The pull into darkness is too strong. Breaking the pattern must be key but I have to crash now, too exhausted. Mentally and physically. 

Thursday

Some new and different work at work so it occupied my mind a bit. Overall wasn't too bad. Even though I have A NUMBER of health issues, gender dysphoria hurts me the most. Fucking facial hair and thinned out front... it's soooooo disgusting to look at myself... If those would be fixed my appearance would change insanely. Fear, fear, fear. What if I won't be able to fix it? The probability of that is slim but it's there. Living in constant anxiety. Okay, the more time I spend on these obsessions the less time I can invest into my whole journey. You cant achieve your goal if you don't work on that, right? So when I get all super negative about how I look I remind myself that worrying and sadness only takes and gives nothing. So obsession kills progress. Well unless progress is your obsession ha.

Wednesday

It's sooooo fucking hard however Im still holding in a more or less neutral/slightly negative state. Loud music, energy drink and research on Reddit. Will try to push refocusing on the plan.

I was tired to begin with and then I overate. Became very sleepy. The evening wasn't a complete waste so that's something. I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Tuesday

Okay and bad. Every day is a challenge and when I say it was okay it means I put an enormous amount of work and energy to make it okay. Not even talking about actual work work. Anyway, almost the whole day it was okay but the last 2 hours were fucking hard. Well on the bright side there was some personal development if you will. Again Im always on the edge of darkness. Barely hanging. One of my daily pains (literal) brought my attention as I felt it more. Triggered. Then I caught myself focusing more on the negatives, starting to remember everything that's bad. And slowly started to drift into darkness. At this moment I thought to myself that it's bullshit. I mean it's a distorted reality after all and that's not how I think when I see everything. I thought to myself that nothing changed, everything is thought about and there is a plan. It's the focus that is biased toward negativity. I mean if your focus is ONLY on negativity then it's all bad which isn't entirely true. So didn't know how to stop it and sort of experimented by accident. I ran my thoughts actively and quickly, jumping from one good thing to another. Starting from the fact that I work in the office and not in some warehouse. So I ran through similar positives and then I did something a little different. I started imagining myself in the image of what I desire. Imagined myself 'there' in certain situations. Imagined how I would look, feel and act. And I felt like this tension slightly decreased. My eyes became slightly wet and I almost wanted to smile for a moment. At that moment I knew it worked. I mean I wasn't all hyped and positive however it was way better than moments ago.

OCD combined with negativity and pain is insanely heavy. It has such a strong pull that I barely can work. Usual and simple tasks require me to think so hard and long because of the obsessive pull behind me. Obsession occupies the mind and I can barely function unless I get out of this loop.

Monday

It's weird but it was an okay day. Of course it started yesterday when I managed not only to avoid complete darkness but also did a good amount of work which I didn't expect. That was a sort of achievement that put me in a slightly positive state. Also hyped myself for Monday. I made myself view this not only as a waste of time and pain day but as a stepping stone in my journey/plan. Even though during the day there were negative moments for sure but it was easier to get out of it without spending too much time. Such [rare] days make me think what if I could live without drugs. But then again mood swings are so wild that one moment I could be smiling and laughing and another moment I could be preparing a rope to hang myself with. Well Im joking here. But just slightly though.

Currently my biggest fear is that I won't be able to fix my hair. Even though there is a good chance I will fix it, the chance of not being able to is killing me on daily basis.

Sunday

Not a great day. I have actual health problems. Many of them. They are always there but sometimes some problems become very raw if you will. So in the morning I knew a lot of work was waiting for me and that was off-putting. Then one of the main problems became 'raw' which was really unpleasant to say the least. Started shifting into a really negative state and I knew if I don't stop it now I will be done for the day. Maybe for several days. So I started working on the shift and the main thing I am using now is a certain perspective. I often think that it is what it is. I can't change the past or make my problems go away just by wishing. I can either give up, cry and die OR I can push through the suffering and potentially win at least a part of life. This view helps me not to linger on the problem for too long which allows me to work on the positives on the side. So this battle was going on for the whole day. I do some work, obsession and pain hits me, I work on my thoughts for 1-10 minutes and then I do some work again. People have no idea what it's like to live like this. It's like you are working 2 jobs at the same time. Anyway, right now I'm really tired but I'm just in a slightly negative state which isn't too bad considering. Right now working for the next week. Monday is coming so have to work on my perspective again so I can get out of bed tomorrow morning.

Saturday

Fanta, Cheetos and music. Shaved and surfed through women's boots in some online stores. That was half of my day. Another half I had some work to do which will also be the case for probably the next 3 days. The mood wasn't too bad even though had some swings. The same goes for obsessions. Many short ones.

Rewatched some scenes from Back to the Future. Great movie. And it's not only about time traveling or love. It also shows how one choice can lead to a completely different life. It's very true and it's a great lesson if people pay attention.

Friday

A shorter work day and nothing major happened. A mirror in the office is my daily enemy but I keep working on dysphoric thoughts. Sometimes it feels like time goes but Im stuck in the same place.

Thursday

Last night got more sleep so first half of the day I felt alright. During the second half of the day I was slightly dizzy. I guess it was an average day with fewer swings. Obsessions were there as always but didn't let them get out of hand. Noticed that when trying to hype and push yourself from a negative state to a neutral/positive state, when I put more energy and aggressiveness into the self-talk it works slightly better. It's like it makes the push stronger.

Wednesday

Women's day. I expected it to be harder than it was. I think 2 things helped. One was a heavy preparation and active thought management. The first time I thought about Women's day was several weeks ago and that hit me so hard that I actually cried. Then I kept working on my thoughts almost every day. I tried to work on perspective saying to myself that this Day doesn't mean much in my journey and that my journey will (if I live long enough) will lead to a new me. I felt that this helped a little. Also today from early morning I was preparing myself too. And at work I was actively redirecting my focus to all other things except my dysphoria. And there is a 2nd thing that I think could have helped in a way. My thinking is that today's shopping for flowers and congratulating could have made a connection with many years of the same act. It could have been linked with old emotions of the same activities that weren't related to strong dysphoria. I think this helped in a way. Of course if I'm not making this stuff up. 

A few decades of anxiety and stress messed my stomach up a lot and higher stress levels can make it really uncomfortable to say the least. That's the case today, fuck it hurts.

Tuesday

Again more or less a decent day with some swings. However tomorrow is women's day. I was preparing for that for several weeks now. Have no idea if I won't lose my shit. I will have to act like a man again and see those women not even imagining I would give everything for being them...

Monday

Was a bit intense with work but I handled everything well. Moderate OCD. I guess I brought a slightly better mood from Sunday. Again music the whole day helps a lot. A lot of stuff came up in the evening and got slightly overwhelmed but it wasn't too bad. I talked with someone online and one topic triggered my dysphoria. Could be also that I was tired but dysphoria hit me quick and hard. Before bed managed to work with myself to climb out of the hole but my mood was still shit.

Sunday

It wasn't a bad day. I was swinging and on the verge of negative state many times but managed to stay neutral. I guess there are so many variables that it's close to impossible to figure out what causes what. I watched some moments from Transformers (2007) and felt that it kinda put me in a slightly good mood because I felt that way when I watched this movie years ago. Well Megan Fox triggered my dysphoria a little bit but overall it wasn't too bad.

Read some articles about laser hair removal but from next week I'm going to surf on Reddit and see what real experiences people had. Next 2 weeks will have to do slightly more work work than usual so less time for my laser research. But it still feels like tiny progress which is good. If I didn't have depression and OCD I don't think I would have to go to work tomorrow... but oh well... there are many kids with cancer and I'm complaining here...

Saturday

Slept a lot. Felt dizzy and slow after but soon enough I felt okay.

While watching an episode one moment something reminded me of a hype I was using like a few years ago. The hype wasn't related to transition or anything like that. Anyway the moment I remembered it I went back in time and felt it. My mood state shifted and I felt good. Again seeing everything and was feeling some motivation to work on stuff. Of course after a while it settled and I felt way worse but it was an interesting experience. If I could just have the ability to stay in that state when I can see everything, life would be so much better and I could actually progress with things so much faster. Now I'm moving like a snail.

Friday

The first half of the day was really bad. It was a continuation of yesterday's terrible evening. It's like there are some blockers that make me unable to believe/feel positive things and potential. In this state I want to cry and die. Usually after a good sleep I reset. Last night didn't really do that though. Often I manage to motivate and hype myself to shift moods. But again that doesn't always work. It didn't work today either. Today was unusual and weird as I experienced a similar thing maybe twice. 3 hours of System of a Down, coffee, some sun through the window, usual work... It could have been many things that helped to make those blockers I mentioned slowly go away. I wasn't all positive but I started feeling that there is potential and a future. Then I noticed that I was thinking about more general stuff. Some fantasies about how I would look androgynous and some other general stuff. I would expect mentioned fantasy to trigger my dysphoria but it didn't really do that. Then I noticed that my emotions were flat. No major swings just low levels. It was a bit similar feeling when I was on antidepressants. The difference was that I could think. Also noticed that I would remember my problems and dysphoria but it was easy not to get stuck on that. I wasn't feeling that strong pull toward negative stuff. I was able to keep thinking simple and positive stuff. It's so hard to describe everything I felt. It feels like my mind just overheated and it had to take a break from this daily tension. The evening isn't too bad either. I overate and feel tired but doing some slow reading about laser hair removal. This daily suffering makes it really hard to put work on the important stuff after work hours. Thought it would be easier but it seems I will have to push myself every time otherwise I will be stuck where I am.

Thursday

Pink Monster and System of a Down. Weird but all emotions today were more or less flat. Maybe yesterday's cry helped with that. In the evening I feel sadness. Next month I will go to a psychiatrist and will try to open myself fully. There is a big chance she will be against LGBT... That's what I fear.

Focus on negativity -> negative state -> understanding how it happened -> negative state -> focus on negapositivity + positivity -> neutral OR positive state

Wednesday

Today I cried. Dysphoria caused such a stinging pain I felt physical discomfort. This time I couldn't stand it. Even potential transition seemed pointless at that time as I will never be a real woman. Felt a bit better after I cried. In the evening did some work but now I feel very exhausted. Have no idea how long I will keep on going.