Thursday

Forgot to write yesterday. Won't do that now as yesterday wasn't special and I don't really remember much.

Wasted some time watching the first Avatar. Felt a bit bad about it as I should. Then OCD kicked in... then later I watched an episode of Veneno. It was a bit sad and negative episode which added some negativity. And of course maybe it was a mistake to start watching these series as my dysphoria is triggered every second. I don't know, thought that maybe I have to get used to being triggered. So far it's still very painful and hard.

I was reading some comments about laser hair removal and for some weird reason there was some spark in my mind. For a split second I KNEW I was a woman and I was just covering everything up with other shit. After a minute it settled. So was it real or it was just a weird thought? I wish I was gay and that's it. It would be so so so so much simpler.

Depressed af. I noticed that if I'm fucked up and I do something quickly different and/or change my usual environment it helps. It's like the pattern gets interrupted or something and it can be a bit easier to get out of this shit.

I want to have a SO soooo bad. I crave intimacy, cuddles and kisses. Sometimes when I think about it I feel such deep sadness.