Friday

The first half of the day was really bad. It was a continuation of yesterday's terrible evening. It's like there are some blockers that make me unable to believe/feel positive things and potential. In this state I want to cry and die. Usually after a good sleep I reset. Last night didn't really do that though. Often I manage to motivate and hype myself to shift moods. But again that doesn't always work. It didn't work today either. Today was unusual and weird as I experienced a similar thing maybe twice. 3 hours of System of a Down, coffee, some sun through the window, usual work... It could have been many things that helped to make those blockers I mentioned slowly go away. I wasn't all positive but I started feeling that there is potential and a future. Then I noticed that I was thinking about more general stuff. Some fantasies about how I would look androgynous and some other general stuff. I would expect mentioned fantasy to trigger my dysphoria but it didn't really do that. Then I noticed that my emotions were flat. No major swings just low levels. It was a bit similar feeling when I was on antidepressants. The difference was that I could think. Also noticed that I would remember my problems and dysphoria but it was easy not to get stuck on that. I wasn't feeling that strong pull toward negative stuff. I was able to keep thinking simple and positive stuff. It's so hard to describe everything I felt. It feels like my mind just overheated and it had to take a break from this daily tension. The evening isn't too bad either. I overate and feel tired but doing some slow reading about laser hair removal. This daily suffering makes it really hard to put work on the important stuff after work hours. Thought it would be easier but it seems I will have to push myself every time otherwise I will be stuck where I am.