Tuesday

Okay and bad. Every day is a challenge and when I say it was okay it means I put an enormous amount of work and energy to make it okay. Not even talking about actual work work. Anyway, almost the whole day it was okay but the last 2 hours were fucking hard. Well on the bright side there was some personal development if you will. Again Im always on the edge of darkness. Barely hanging. One of my daily pains (literal) brought my attention as I felt it more. Triggered. Then I caught myself focusing more on the negatives, starting to remember everything that's bad. And slowly started to drift into darkness. At this moment I thought to myself that it's bullshit. I mean it's a distorted reality after all and that's not how I think when I see everything. I thought to myself that nothing changed, everything is thought about and there is a plan. It's the focus that is biased toward negativity. I mean if your focus is ONLY on negativity then it's all bad which isn't entirely true. So didn't know how to stop it and sort of experimented by accident. I ran my thoughts actively and quickly, jumping from one good thing to another. Starting from the fact that I work in the office and not in some warehouse. So I ran through similar positives and then I did something a little different. I started imagining myself in the image of what I desire. Imagined myself 'there' in certain situations. Imagined how I would look, feel and act. And I felt like this tension slightly decreased. My eyes became slightly wet and I almost wanted to smile for a moment. At that moment I knew it worked. I mean I wasn't all hyped and positive however it was way better than moments ago.

OCD combined with negativity and pain is insanely heavy. It has such a strong pull that I barely can work. Usual and simple tasks require me to think so hard and long because of the obsessive pull behind me. Obsession occupies the mind and I can barely function unless I get out of this loop.