I hate IPL leg sessions! Takes soooo long. I won't stop with the current progress made but if I knew how much time and energy it would take I would have gone with an actual laser. It's so hard to make myself do it... and it takes slightly over an hour which is crazy. At least I will have decent (questionable) legs for summer.
The day was more or less calm with short outbursts of obsessions. Manageable though.
Laser mole removal without numbing. Felt the pain of progress. The next step is full-face hair removal with a laser.
On the bus I was reading a book and obsessive thought hit me. I tried to actively keep reading the first word of the next sentence over and over again. And I felt my focus slowly shifting to the word and word repeating itself. It was a bit funny but it worked in a way. Then I needed to read the same sentence a few times because the focus wasn't concentrated. Soon enough I was reading the book normally.
First half of the day was ok but after lunch I became dizzy. Even walking home I wasn't feeling stable.
Had a few stronger obsessions, had to push strongly to get away.
Ordered some t-shirts and shorts from women's section. Felt good.
Again the same day as the previous one. It's quite weird but I guess I'm on some sort of momentum. Could be micro dose of Fluanxol having an effect, could be warm weather having some connection to some old feelings, could be the fact that even very slow but Im doing some progress on my most important things. It's possible that all 3 are true. Obsessions are hitting often but so far I managed not to fall into them for too long. Even in bathroom I was triggered but I recognized the obsessive thought and just pushed through with the bathroom work and I was done.
Almost the same day as yesterday. The only interesting thing was that one deep obsession was about to start and I managed to stop it. Like the thing/topic wasn't new and I felt like I wasn't about to waste time and energy on that dysfunctional loop. For a few seconds I felt the tension but I broke through by actively working.
I feel that doing at least some progress with the most important stuff helps a bit not to fall into darkness. Most of the time I feel like I'm on the edge though.
On the second day Im killing at work. I guess it would be considered normal work by normal people but for me it's great. Maybe 1/4 dose of Fluanxol helps with that but even if it does it's not a big impact. But work at work isn't as important as what I do after work. However these days after work I'm completely exhausted so I do very little progress. Quite sad really but I guess summer will be like this for me.
I envy so much of young women who can be themselves and live a fulfilled life. Compared to me anyway. Even though I don't write about this every day I feel the pain every minute. At least my posture would be better... I'm trying to work on that but it will help just on some level as some changes are irreversible. I wish I could die and start over.
Fucking heat out there is killing me. I get only half the energy I normally have. 9 pm and I can barely stand.
The day wasn't too bad. Obsessions were very minimal until my problem acted up. But even then Slipknot and going hard on work helped to push through. That took a while though.
On Saturday I was very exhausted so went to take a quick nap at ~5 pm. Got out of bed on Sunday at ~11 am. Even missed brushing my teeth and a few of my workouts. Tomorrow getting into my routine for sure.
On Saturday my first full bikini laser session took a lot of energy. I think embarrassing/anxious situations can become a lot more tolerable by experiencing them on regular basis. At the end of my session it felt like I already reached the highest levels of anxiety and embarrassment so it started to bother me less.
Sunday. Huge headache. Partly taking this day off. Doing some small tasks so it's not completely a waste. Feeling some irritation from yesterday and obsessing a bit about them. What if it won't get better? Not likely but even slim possibilities are triggering my OCD. Mood. Positive and negative at the same time. Positive because it's progress and I'm not going to stop which feels quite good.
Tired from the morning. Completely exhausted at 11 pm. Long bathroom sessions in preparation for my first laser session tomorrow. During the day many times I felt some anxiety thinking about tomorrow.
Morning. One of the problems peaked and it hit me hard. However I was very aware of what was happening in my mind, I saw the default pattern starting. I called it fake and started working on perspective. It took hours but I managed not to fall into the hole. During the day I felt a bit weird, like all over the place but not too bad considering. In the evening after work another major problem acted up. There is no break for me. I still manage not to fall for my default pattern. It's like I'm feeling both sides simultaneously. It's the first time I managed to do this.
Strong day at work. And OCD was at bay. There were several loops starting but I forced myself to focus on work, which more or less worked. Yesterday I hyped/motivated/felt that tomorrow will be good and I will be able to do a good job. It wasn't a coincidence. I managed to do that a few times in the past. Of course many variables are in play so it's hard to exploit this. But if you do alright during the day you get some positive momentum. This momentum makes it slightly easier to continue later. By easier I don't mean it's easy. Every day I have to battle myself to win the day.
At work I have a big mirror and I look at myself every time I go outside/inside the office. I guess I expect to see a woman eventually...
The first work day of the week. I had to drag myself through work. Didn't like my image in the mirror today. Too fucking masculine... it's really disgusting at times. Yesterday on the train I saw a young woman. She was soooooo cute and pretty. It was a pleasure and pain to look at her.
Holy shit the day was exhausting. Trichologist appointment in the capital city. First PRP procedure. Doc said it's a very high chance it will help. Hope it will happen. But now obsessing on what if it won't...
Woke up before 7 am but got out of bed after 10 am. It was so hard to start the day as nothing pleasurable was waiting. But later didn't waste what was left of the day. Did some work and prepared for tomorrow's travel to the trichologist. My mood kept swinging but with productive activities managed to stay more or less neutral.
A strong day. In the end I'm totally exhausted with a headache but I did a lot today which feels good. Not much room was left for my OCD when I kept pushing myself.
My mom's priority number one is what other people will think. Only after that, if there is any room left, you can think about yourself. And even now she promotes that shit. No wonder this shit was deeply ingrained in me. I guess I would be kicked out of the home if I would start my transition.
On drugs->better state->a possible reprogramming->off drugs-> altered mindset
A calm day I would say. Nothing much happened. Mood swings weren't big, was able to focus on work more than usual. I think yesterday's psychiatrist visit affected me a bit in a positive way. Even though it changes nothing. At least yet.
Thought of today. It's totally acceptable for women to dress feminine and masculine. Why it isn't the same for men? It's so weird that these days society is idiotic. Also dangerous. This combination is terrible.
Positive pessimism. That's a term I came up with while riding a bus. Sometimes I create bad/negative scenarios so I can be prepared and/or not get hurt too much. And if I don't dwell on them then that's when it becomes a positive pessimism. I did the same before going to my new psychiatrist.
The visit went better than expected. When I brought up my dysphoria she didn't seem to be too narrow minded or homophobic. She asked when it started and how I'm feeling. It seemed that she had some knowledge about this and it felt good. However she could only promise to look into higher level psychiatrists. It appears that even she isn't sure if there is a place where I could be tested and put on HRT. According to her, it's either there was just an idea being pushed for such mentioned place OR the place exists but it's very new. I'm afraid that in this country HRT isn't even possible. This country tries to mimic the West in all sorts of ways but not in the ways that matter the most. And I'm talking here in general too. Anyway, my next visit is next month.
The day started really badly as one of the main problems acted up. Somehow with self-talk and questions I managed to stop myself from falling into darkness. It almost felt like I made a choice. I can't remember ever succeeding on this level like today. Maybe even in this area practice makes perfect. Felt like this momentum even helped to manage obsessions. I just kept sprinting with work occupying my thoughts. Actively using my will of course. Did quite a good job at work too.
Psychiatrist tomorrow. Planning to bring up my gender dysphoria and it's a very high probability that she will put this on some mental disorder. Well to be honest I'm not 100% sure it isn't...
I managed the day pretty well I would say. The work became annoying and boring but it wasn't too bad. Actively managed obsessions at the very beginning so those didn't get out of hand. The fact that I was rested helped. To be honest not even 5 hours of sleep however on weekend I had plenty so. The problem was after work again. The hair. It was windy so the hair wasn't holding in place so it didn't look good at all. Every time someone looked at me the only thing I was able to think about was my hair situation. I work on a better relationship with it every day but the dysphoria and pain are just too strong. I can't help it.
Holiday day. A day wasted. You could think I did some useless shit and should feel relaxed and good. But. I feel worse than feeling the pain of discipline. I have to remember this in the future. I complain that I don't have time and when I do I behave like this. I understand that from daily suffering and no pleasure it becomes really hard to put additional pain on myself but I have to learn to balance this. And by balance I don't mean equally.
Laser in 2 weeks. Feel super anxious but at the same time I feel good. That's a step towards one of the most important things for me.
The day wasn't a complete waste but it wasn't great either. Swings were huge today, fought the negativity the whole day which drained my energy completely. The good thing about this is that I managed not to fall into complete darkness.
I wish I had smaller feet so the shoes would look cuter. But that's the least of my problems.
The sun is getting really active and not sure what's wrong with me but I can't stand the heat. It's like I'm allergic to the sun and warm weather. I feel weak and dizzy. Just did my usual workout and instead of the usual 30 minutes it took around 50 minutes because my heart couldn't handle the same exercises at the same pace. This is going to slow down the progress a lot but I don't think I can change that. Will try to reduce time wasting activities even more so I have to hurt the progress less. Damn, I wish I went for full body laser instead of IPL. It would have cost a lot but the amount of time I could have saved is insane.
In the late morning I was on the verge of negativity but managed to see the full picture and that helped to keep going. Sometimes it's just a bit easier.
Compared to yesterday it was a calm day with OCD outbursts. I got obsessed about several important topics but when I needed to go home after work, I got obsessed with my hair again. When the weather was cold everyone was with hoods or hats and now the only thing I can see is that everyone has nice hair. Dense hair. I keep telling myself that it's most likely temporary but the hair dysphoria is really strong and painful. And whenever I go outside almost every person is triggering me. Im sure it will get worse in summer when girls start to show their nice legs and curves. I have no idea how I will survive this...
I have a highway to negativity and a curvy gravel road at night to positivity. I have to remind myself all the time that it is what it is. It's not fair but you either can die or push through the suffering and have a chance for at least a part of a happy life. And these days potential is huge. Of course, if you have money.
Headache, anxiety and high heart rate. That was the day I made my first laser appointment. It's going to happen. It has to. I hope I won't get an actual panic attack while being lasered.
Today was my birthday which sucks getting that old and still not being able to live. On another hand there is still some time left. Well considering my health and its progress that left time could be very little. The pursuit of happiness is the only way anyway. Also a great movie.
What a fucking day. Hard to breathe, dizzy and faintness. It lasted only a few hours but my mind was all over the place for the rest of the day which affected my work a lot. It felt like it was a mild panic attack.
I sleep only around 5 hours so Im lacking sleep. Also yesterday I pushed myself with work after work and the whole bathroom routine. Now after work I feel like I could go to bed but will try to push again. Either I get stronger and used to it or I will fuck myself up completely.
The hair. Dysphoria is hitting me every second when on the way to/from work. So fucking painful. I wish I could just stay home for a few years until I fix it or I die
The day was more or less average. After work I got obsessed with how my hair looks. Everyone I see outside has nice hair and Im afraid to walk without a hood. I'm trying really hard not to cry and push myself to do other stuff.
Music and a drink. That's how I usually start. Started priming myself for Monday yesterday and had a good start. My alarm tone was Goggins asking if I want to be a bitch today. A strong start really helps even if you are fucked up. You get a better chance to jump on that momentum. Overall was a decent day. Obsessed about my hair as usual but caught myself quickly and worked on letting that shit go. In my spare minutes did a number of important calls. Not work related. Nothing really is important when it comes to work. Anyway, when riding the bus home I felt some hype sparks. It always feels good when I feel that stuff. In the evening I felt a strong pull to watch series and snack. When Im exhausted from work and OCD sometimes I catch myself already doing some time wasting activity. And that happened today. Managed to do some work though.
I'm trying really hard... one of the most disturbing issues acted up and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Started going into a dark place instantly by default. Trying to stop it with 'Talk' by Bob Moses and actively trying to widen my sight. This shit is a real disability and most people have no clue what it's like when some force hijacks your mind. When you know how it works it can get a bit easier to live with but fuck me really...
I have to go as fast as possible, will try to attack Monday and create some momentum. Have to try.
Woke up late because I needed some sleep. Old models kicked in, felt like shit. Pushed myself to do a workout while listening to Goggins. Then did some work in my mind. Much better even though it's still all messed up considering.
Mostly I live in the darkness. It still amazes me every time I manage to tap into positivity and potential. The feeling of shifting and finally seeing is amazing.
It's super hard to stay disciplined and complete your plan. I didn't do all I had to but I did more than I would have done two weeks ago. Also limiting snacking causing me to feel physically a bit better.
