Sunday

It was a hot day and the whole day I felt dizzy and could barely walk. Wasted a lot of time however I can't say I'm very depressed.
If I keep progressing like today I will need at least a decade to stop suffering. What's wrong with me...

Saturday

I feel the darkness alongside. I feel like if I just relax I will be consumed. I have to actively balance myself full-time.

Friday

Cried at work but with time I was able to start focusing on some positive things and progress.
Multiple times I felt very dysphoric about my face. Sometimes I feel like I will never be able to get FFS. In this mental state I don't believe I can achieve anything. I'm ready to die. But I know that in this state negatives are amplified... I might slip one time...

Thursday

With a strong wind my disgusting hairline shows and I'm ready to die.
Psychotherapy session. Sadness again. Even though I identify as nonbinary my psychotherapist gets weird that I don't use fem pronouns. Also she suggested starting psychotherapy to work on my anxiety/obsessions. Even though it makes sense but it feels like I would be stopping working on my gender. I just feel so sad. I feel like crashing, crying and dying. But trying to hold.

Wednesday

Physically I felt really good today. It's so rare that it's even weird.
I think warm weather starting to trigger some related connections from the past. Today I felt really weird mentally too. There were a few moments when it felt like I was remembering fragments of my future. It's so weird that I can't even explain or remember clearly. Also there were a few times when I felt a bit more masculine than usual. All this adds even more confusion...

Tuesday

Trichologist day. A good part of my savings is gone. Pretty trichologist was triggering but I guess the most triggering were pretty and young girls outside. I caught myself being sad and thinking I will never be like them... in a way I was right but also I was ignoring a lot of stuff and I was sinking. Music and intense inner work sort of balanced everything but I'm still affected. This summer will be really hard. I guess my gender dysphoria is at it's highest compared to my past.

Monday

I knew how my mind would work today so I started pushing hard against it. Hard to explain but it sort of worked out. I felt a bit numb and angry at work but it's much better than being deeply depressed and crying. Intense gut discomfort for the whole day was a real suffering. I envy people who can work without actual mental AND physical suffering.

Sunday

I overslept a little. But everything started when I finished a movie at around noon. Of course the fact that tomorrow is Monday helped too but watching a whole movie meant that I wasted a lot of time. I felt negative after finishing the mentioned movie. I reflected and it made sense. But then I stayed there for a whole day. Kept focusing and amplifying the negatives. Self-talk and motivation can help a little but it seems I have to start moving quite soon otherwise I stay on the negative for too long and it can get even worse. I think in the end only discipline will help. I have to push myself on the progress even if it's super hard and I don't feel like doing that.
I don't think my fucked up mind will change much. I think the only way to live is to learn how to live a different life. Like a disabled person has to learn how to take a shower. It's much harder and takes a lot more time. But it's possible.

Saturday

It is so much deeper than you think but at the same time is so much simpler than you think.
Everything ends with death. From the moment we are born we are slowly moving towards death. Usually people try to create a good life but even if they succeed it's just temporary. Is it even worth the pain and suffering just to be able to enjoy life for a short time? Even if you decide it's worth living then the purpose of life is to enjoy this short time. Whatever that means to you.
And when someone is very unlucky, like me, you get even more suffering and less time to enjoy. ROI is totally fucked.

Friday

I overslept a little but managed to do my whole routine which was a win. Also I felt less exhausted during the day. Did a decent job at work.
When washing my hair I noticed quite a big shedding again but managed to ignore it in a way. Usually to calm myself down I would start giving myself facts and probabilities. Probably because of my obsessions I would keep repeating myself so that I can finally get it (lol). But just today I realized that this whole approach would make me stay on the topic for a long period. And for me it would mean seeing only a negative thing for a while which would easily put me in a negative sate. For a long time all I could see would be really bad stuff. This would mean everything is bad. No more explaining is needed here.
At work I was thinking about my gender dysphoria and noticed I wasn't very depressed or felt very bad. Then I realized that the reason for that was me mainly focusing on possibilities to change.

Thursday

Stayed in bed a bit too long and skipped my face and hair washing. This day started with me losing/failing which as usual put me in a slightly negative state. Immediately noticed me starting to react negatively to everything. Managed to push myself the opposite way, mostly by focusing on important stuff and my goals. I could say I succeeded.
On the way back home I saw a young and pretty mother walking her child. That hit me quick and hard. For a while it felt like I suffered a bit less... maybe I would quickly shift my focus... but sometimes the hit is just too fucking painful...

Wednesday

Work wasn't too bad and it relates a lot to how I am feeling.
Tried a new urologist. Slightly better than the previous one but still no one really cares. Especially when the problem isn't common. Doctors tend to blame me for their shortcomings.
At hospital there was a big mirror and I looked a bit feminine. Fucking loved it. Even if it wasn't much. Sometimes I get into a weird state when I feel I'm a woman. At that time it feels like it still isn't clear but deep inside I know it. But when I get out of that state I am again super confused as usual.

Tuesday

Fucking stomach problems with nausea at work. I was close to throwing up several times.
My psychotherapist is really good and knows her stuff but I think she is too confident and sure. She is almost saying that gender identity can't be suppressed. If initial programming was really hard, there was no information available, can't this affect your inner feeling? Then later you see yourself in the mirror and it matches what everyone is saying. For example, all I ever wanted was to look and dress like everyone else. Then I would see some outfits and would like those a lot BUT I wouldn't even think I could dress like that. And just several years ago I realized I like to look and dress differently. I'm still often a little anxious about how I look but it still feels good.

Monday

Difficult day. Around 3-4 hours of sleep and a huge discomfort in my stomach the whole day. I felt like a zombie in pain. When I got home I overate heavily. I fucking slipped again.
Once again I questioned my gender many times during the day. Still no luck figuring this shit out.

Sunday

The day started ok but slowly I started wasting more and more time which affected my mood quite a lot. Also when I'm in this mood it becomes much harder to get back on track which increases the risk of depression peaking.

Saturday

I think it's very possible that I couldn't get aroused because I would be very anxious and afraid. At least it's very possible in the very beginning.

Friday

Work. It's the least of my problems.
Psychotherapy session. It's a bit uncomfortable and it's normal. However, the end messed me up. I had an idea to start the whole long process for HRT. I was thinking that when eventually I'm allowed to do HRT then I have a choice. I could choose to never do it. I could choose to postpone it. At least when I made up my mind I wouldn't need to waste a lot of time. I would be ready. So I presented this idea to my psychotherapist and she rejected that idea quickly. I was in shock. I was so sure she would be understanding, especially when in the last session she sort of suggested starting microdosing. Anyway, she argued that I'm not sure about the whole thing. Even though she is sort of right it hit me hard. I cried a little in my Bolt. On the bus I was listening to Metallica. Some songs tend to hype me up a little and bring some mild aggression. Anyway, when I was listening to some song I sort of heard an old silent voice that was forgotten for a while. That voice said 'I am going to win anyway'. Even now writing all this my eyes are full of tears. Pain and joy. Anyway, so at that time on the bus was the moment when I stopped falling into a hole and started climbing back up.
I hate when I have to stop therapy sessions and wait for 2-4 weeks. But now I realize that maybe it's good. Like today I wasn't prepared to be rejected like that. My state was quite bad and if we continued for several more hours it could have gone out of hand. However, it would be still great if I could have these sessions like once a week like it's recommended. However, I don't think I could afford such frequency. Once again, money buys everything, even a new mental state.
It's really helpful and lovely to have someone to share your life. Good and bad.

Thursday

3 hours of sleep and during the day I felt like I was barely alive.
Psychologist appointment after work. Once again my dysphoria was triggered a lot but I tried to focus on our conversation. It's still quite useful. Even though often I don't hear anything new such appointments can be a reminder of certain things. Also such appointments can challenge my negativity which is good.

Wednesday

I started the day by losing. Stayed in bed too long and even skipped my face washing. I think this meant that I started the day with negativity. After that I felt like I was starting to stack negativity, to view everything only in a negative way. I caught myself and started asking questions. I understood what and why was happening and this helped to stop progressing.
At work for several hours I was thinking about sex while working. Later I was able to focus more on work. I guess my obsessive personality is at play in every aspect of my life.

Tuesday

The shedding is still going strong which is killing me. However somehow I managed to get some good emotions from several good/pleasurable areas which helped me stay more balanced. I hope I won't crash hard. Especially when I'm off meds.

Monday

Wasted too much time again. There was some progress made but very little which sucks. What sucks a lot more though is my hair situation... and tomorrow work starts...

Sunday

Overslept which was the first negative thing. Then I was reminded about high war risk which triggered me a lot. I could feel I moved into negativity. Then I started focusing on my hair... somehow managed to stabilize this shit by pushing myself on progress. And it's really difficult to push on progress when you are depressed. In that state you don't feel any motivation but wasting time will only deepen your depression. That's why it's very important to use your discipline crumbs to do that initial push.
In the evening felt a little horny which is quite rare. I felt a desire to pleasure men.

Saturday

The start was quite productive but later I got messed up with decision making. Also noticed a big shedding when washing my hair which was a shock again.
Pushing hard on progress could be an answer.

Thursday

Years ago I never thought that libido could be so important to me. And now when I almost don't have it it depresses me quite a lot...

Wednesday

Did a good job at work. I was impressed. However at the same time I was depressed and anxious about my worsened hair situation...

Tuesday

Full body laser day except for my bikini and face. Went alright but I felt very dysphoric seeing all those young beautiful women. Also felt FOMO. This kind of put me into a depressed state. Also this damned sun is starting to kill me already. I guess the best strategy in this case is to just try to ignore to this state related thoughts and just push on progress.
I guess the worst of all is the fact that I don't know what I am. I see all those MTFs being sure and knowing their path and here I am wondering what I should do...

Monday

The day started okay until I washed my hair and saw a crazy shedding. I guess I got lucky and got that rare side effect from my new antidepressants. I'm not taking that shit anymore however there are no guarantees this big shedding will stop soon. I can't even imagine how terrible I would look when the thinning became obvious. I'm very scared... And on the bus I always see those pretty girls with amazing hair. Why do I have to suffer so much.

Sunday

For the first time in months I managed to wake up earlier on the weekend. Even though it was uncomfortable but it felt good. Physically and mentally. Still wasted a lot of time but it wasn't too bad.
In the evening I felt a huge fear of my front thinning even more. It would be just too much.

Saturday

It happened again. I couldn't make myself get out of my bed when my alarm rang. Got out of bed at around noon. Later slept some more. Wasted most of the day. Again. I did some work in the evening but it's far from enough. I'm robbing myself of the future. One day wasted means I lose one day of my life.

Friday

The day went well with a pleasant doctor's appointment. It became sunny outside and my eyes started itching, got a dry mouth and felt disgusting in general. Summer is coming...
In the evening one embarrassing problem got worse and my anxiety/ocd kicked in hard. I collect problems. I'm a damned problem collector... will I be able to experience living in the future or this whole suffering and pain will be for nothing? Oh and because of that I wasted the whole evening which also depressed me as I lost progress again.