Friday

Work. It's the least of my problems.
Psychotherapy session. It's a bit uncomfortable and it's normal. However, the end messed me up. I had an idea to start the whole long process for HRT. I was thinking that when eventually I'm allowed to do HRT then I have a choice. I could choose to never do it. I could choose to postpone it. At least when I made up my mind I wouldn't need to waste a lot of time. I would be ready. So I presented this idea to my psychotherapist and she rejected that idea quickly. I was in shock. I was so sure she would be understanding, especially when in the last session she sort of suggested starting microdosing. Anyway, she argued that I'm not sure about the whole thing. Even though she is sort of right it hit me hard. I cried a little in my Bolt. On the bus I was listening to Metallica. Some songs tend to hype me up a little and bring some mild aggression. Anyway, when I was listening to some song I sort of heard an old silent voice that was forgotten for a while. That voice said 'I am going to win anyway'. Even now writing all this my eyes are full of tears. Pain and joy. Anyway, so at that time on the bus was the moment when I stopped falling into a hole and started climbing back up.
I hate when I have to stop therapy sessions and wait for 2-4 weeks. But now I realize that maybe it's good. Like today I wasn't prepared to be rejected like that. My state was quite bad and if we continued for several more hours it could have gone out of hand. However, it would be still great if I could have these sessions like once a week like it's recommended. However, I don't think I could afford such frequency. Once again, money buys everything, even a new mental state.
It's really helpful and lovely to have someone to share your life. Good and bad.