Tuesday

Hyped myself for this day to be alright. Almost worked. One moment I was focused on work. Joke. I was focused on what's bad but managed to zoom out and see the big picture. Immediate state shift. Again I'm not sure how I managed to do this exactly. As my thoughts are fast and jumpy my states keep shifting but during the day I wasn't very negative so that's a win.

I cry easily. Not only from sadness but in general too. I was listening to an interview on self-development. And sometimes it touches the nerve in a positive way. The thing it touches is really painful but the way it touches is from a motivating and positive side. That brings me to tears but they are positive tears. That's the name I gave it today.

Evening's song 'In This Shirt' by The Irrepressibles. Some tears again.

Monday

It was a productive enough day. Sacrificed some time for obsessions but it didn't get out of hand. From time to time I feel such a huge sexual desire, my imagination runs wild and I end up feeling sad and empty.

One really weird thing happened today. For the first time in a very very long time for a short period of time I didn't feel this huge gender dysphoria. The only reason I can think of is that I was listening to an interview with Ray Dalio while working. The last time I listened to him was a long time ago. At that time dysphoria was very mild. So my guess is that the connection was made and the interview triggered a certain state, making me feel a certain way. I never felt any shift in dysphoria before. I have no idea what it was and what it means. I felt like my dysphoria could be some delusion which made me feel almost worse than dysphoria itself. At the supermarket saw a girl in thigh highs and dysphoria hit me again. Now it's 9 pm and I feel more or less like usual. But this experience was weird and I don't think I liked it.

Sunday

Alright day. Read some articles on laser hair removal. I should have read way more. Wasted some precious time as always. During the day I was on the verge of negativity many times but managed to stay more or less neutral. In the evening I was exposed to some negativity which sparked my own shit. Not sure how but at the same time I was able to see a positive side. I'm sure some visual support from an episode of tv-series helped with that a bit. All this helped me not to fall into darkness.

Was taking a long shower and listening to old songs of Tokio Hotel. Brought up some memories from my teens. Back then I was the same antisocial weirdo but still that time was easier.

Saturday

Got out of bed after 11 am. Waste of time but I needed most of it. Not a great feeling overall, with a slight headache. Managed to do some hair removal.

Tomorrow I have TO MAKE myself start serious research on laser hair removal. Goddamn it's one of the most important things after all.

- I did think you'd be younger. What are you twenty-five?

- Twenty-six

- Yikes

And this conversation from an episode triggered my getting older obsession. Of course it's not as bad as my gender dysphoria but still. For me getting older has 2 meanings. One is that you actually get older, body changes and all that. Another thing is the FOMO I feel. I have quite a number of physical and health problems. Combining everything is A LOT to deal with and it will take a really long time to fix and manage them. All this took and will take a lot from my life and I haven't even started living. Like really living as my true self. And time keeps going without giving me a break. Well looking from the positive side there is still time...

Friday

2 hours of sleep. Half dead the whole day. At the end of the day when walking it felt like I was about to fall asleep. My mind isn't working. Will have to crash soon.

Thursday

Got some momentum from yesterday so today wasn't too bad. It's rare but it happened again. Gave in slightly to negativity. Usually it happens when the focus becomes narrow and goes to negative stuff. I'm not able to feel the positive side. I know there is one and I understand it however it's like I still don't believe it. Somehow for a slight moment I managed to see and feel the big picture - bad, good, possibilities. A shift happened and got back to neutral state.

By default I'm a people pleaser and I care what other people think. Working on that. This isn't the first time but for a period of time I was in a state when I didn't really care about others and their opinions. It was the calmness with a slight flavor of aggression. It happened a few times in the past but I'm not sure how to access it.

I'm work in progress so there is a lot I still don't know but I have a romantic and sexual preference for women. I noticed that if I see a really attractive woman I become aroused however I don't feel the desire to fuck her if you will. Maybe because I'm submissive. All I would like to do would be to cuddle, kiss and please her. That's pretty much all I feel. I guess I could do some fucking... and I guess it would be a really intimate and amazing experience it's just that it feels a bit weird to me. When it comes to men I don't really find them attractive romantically. But sexually yes. I'm a completely submissive bottom. That one thing is completely clear.

Wednesday

Rare day. The whole day I managed to stay in more or less neutral state. Usually my mood swings are quite extreme which burns a lot of my energy. Today I felt some stability and at the end of the day I feel a bit tired but not exhausted. Related or not but it was a bit easier to control my obsessions.

Got a bit triggered when I saw my manager's polished nails. Oh well I can't avoid such triggers...

Tuesday

It was more like a normal day. Normal for me anyway... Women's jeans yesterday caused me high emotions which exhausted me so today felt sleepy and tired. Caffeine and metal.

Work was stupid. Like I was just wasting my time. No potential there.

What you are now comes from your childhood base. Maybe a topic for next time...

Monday

Monday supposed to be the worst but it wasn't. Obsessions were manageable, difficult though.

Received and tried women's jeans for the first time. Amazing! Will have to experiment with sizes and models though. Groin was surprisingly comfortable enough. My butt situation is a bit sad so I need a model for thinner girls. Well at least a new clothes section opened up which is really nice. Now writing this exhausted, slightly numb. Will crash soon.

Sunday

Woke up. In bed thought a little about what I really want and what is my current situation. Focus became not what's possible but what I don't have. Instant negativity which put me into a slightly negative state. Not sure how I will manage that during the day.

During the day. It got worse. OCD isn't the main problem right now. Gender dysphoria is killing me, I try not to burst into tears. What triggered me was the upcoming women's day when I should bring some flowers to work as usual... I feel like I will throw up. Not exactly sure why this triggered me so badly but it's so painful. Even potential future transitioning doesn't help much as now I'm thinking I will never be a real woman. I don't know how long I can continue... I feel that need to tell my mom everything but it either would help a bit or it would make everything so much worse. There is a big chance the latter would happen...

Evening. Slightly better. Days like this make me think that I might not be able to function without drugs. Depression and OCD boost gender dysphoria a lot. A really heavy cocktail.

Saturday

Managed to get out of bed before 8 am. That is something and I'm slightly proud of myself. I think such start of the day put me into a more positive mood.

Not much I did during the day. Researched the results some people got from FFS. Inspiring. Moderate OCD. Kept sparking the whole day but managed not to get too deep. In the evening had some work to do. Tomorrow I will have to check some clothes and prepare some to return. Then some work again and from the next week I get more free time to continue my research on laser hair removal.

Friday

The day was disgusting. It feels like OCD got momentum as it was the second day it was exhausting me really badly. Every tiniest bit of actual work I have to push, push, push... Sometimes there are moments when my thinking becomes limited or something. Usual tasks become a challenge.

After work I'm walking to the bus stop, feeling more neutral, doing some evening and weekend planning. Suddenly I see a girl with leggings and amazing thighs and butt. That was it, no more planning or neutral state. Fuck me. I miss times when it would have been only sexual attraction. Now that is only in the background.

In really bad moments I think about if I should maybe try a new psychiatrist and new drugs. I was off drugs for a really long time. Shit was making me dizzy and sleepy all the time. The question is if drugs would be a good choice in the long run when you lose the ability to deal with your crazy.

WHAT IF LASER WON'T WORK FOR ME??? One of the main obsessive and paranoid thoughts right now. It's like there are main obsessions and there are sub-obsessions. If you somehow are able to control the main ones then their place is taken by sub-obsessions. Those are easier to deal with as they have less weight but still I have no break.

Thursday

Holiday day so a lot of sleep, shower, some hair removal and work. More or less calm day with moderate OCD. For the next few days I will have to do some work before I can get into my research about laser hair removal.

I hate when gender dysphoria is triggered while watching a movie or tv-series episode. It ruins the mood. Usually I have to pause it to calm myself down before continuing.

If not one annoying problem (temporary I hope) I would be working on growing my butt. Bigger thighs and butt would make a big difference. Well I hope I will have a chance to work on that in near future.

Wednesday

Today wasn't that depressive however OCD was wild. I guess I kinda gave in a little and it was intense. I noticed that the more you give in those obsessive thought loops the stronger it becomes and the harder is to control.

Once I asked my psychologist if OCD could progress if you let it go wild and free. He couldn't answer me clearly. Yes, it can. OCD can progress further and further, stronger and stronger. I personally experienced 2 things that prove that. One is that for me OCD started very mildly, it was just tiny bits of it and it was tiny and weak thought loops that weren't affecting my life. Years later I can barely function. And another experienced proof I mentioned recently. If I with all my strength try to control and limit my obsessions those usually don't grow very strong and you are able to function at least partly. Well and then if you let it go wild there is no end and it's VERY hard to slow it down and you simply exhaust yourself mentally. I would guess a similar progression could be happening with depression too.

Probably 80% of my obsessions are fear that I couldn't be an attractive woman in the end. Such obsession loops include many different fears and anxiety but all of them relate to the one I just mentioned. Then 15% of obsession loops are related to health issues and fear of never getting better. And 5% is other stuff, like other people's opinions, what would happen if I would come out to my parents, and so on.

Tuesday

A new thing to try. If you start getting/get into a bad state use whatever will is left and continue on your daily plan. There is a chance it will help to break the pattern. Also, if it's hard to motivate yourself with self-talk, maybe relevant visual and vocal reinforcement would help in a form of a podcast/video. These ideas came from today's experience. Overall the day was manageable. The evening was a bit depressive but by continuing to do important stuff I managed not to crash completely.

I watch in the mirror often. I hate what I see. Maybe it's a bit strong word but it's really painful. It's so interesting that 5 years ago I had no obvious dysphoria and only related to femboys.

Monday

The first half of the day was quite depressive. Gender dysphoria exploded when on reddit I saw a nice woman being submissive. That triggered me. I would give everything to be reborn. I felt empty. Tried to make myself do some work even though everything felt pointless. Not the first time.

Slightly before noon I started to motivate myself as always because it's either I give up and fall into deep depression or I try to push forward and work on what I desire. I use this idea/thought for a while now as it helps me to make a shift. The idea is true though. One option makes you deeply depressed which means you stay where you are, and suffer every day. Death seems a better option than this. And there is another option. You choose to push through the pain towards the possibility. Possibility to fix/stabilize your health problems, to gain financial stability, to become androgynous, maybe to transition. It's possible. I don't think I will grow old considering my current health state. To achieve my dream life will take YEARS. But it's very possible to eventually experience life at least for a portion of what's left. This. This is the only spark that gives me some strength to push forward.

I don't always succeed to shift my state. I try to MAKE myself look at the positive side. To see not only my dreams but facts too. The fact is that it's possible. I keep visualizing what my dream life would look like. For a while the main thing I visualize is me being a woman. It's possible...

So after lunch it felt like I shifted to a neutral state. Which is great, you can actually function in that state. Music is a key component to mood state shifting. I don't think I could work without it. It's also important to find the right genre, band and song. Also if there is a drink or snack that gives you pleasure take that too. Motivating self-talk, the right music and coffee is what helps me a lot. Anyway I did all that and I managed to shift into a slightly positive state. I would be unstoppable if I was able to maintain such state. Neurolinguistics is powerful stuff. Someday I should work on this. 

Oh and I ruined one good song. I was listening to one song for a long time when I was in a very bad mood. And at those times I wasn't doing any motivating self-talk. I would just listen to get hyped so I could push forward. Yesterday I played that song and I felt bad emotions. I guess that song is now linked with shit mood.

Sunday

Got out of bed after 10 am... My body is more or less hairless and I sleep naked. In the morning bed sheets touching my body feels soooo good that I want to stay in bed longer.

So today I slowly start researching laser hair removal for the face as I'm not sure if the laser is a better choice compared to electrolysis."Laser hair removal is permanent when the hair follicle is destroyed. When the hair follicle is only damaged, the hair will eventually regrow" - sounds promising.

4:40 pm. I got slightly motivated to work on the important stuff. 99% of this comes from potential in feminization and financial markets. I know it won't last long but feels really good. I can only imagine what I could accomplish and how fast I could go if I felt this way all the time.

So in the end not much I did. Read a few articles about how laser hair removal works, ordered a few women's jeans and IPLed the rest of the body. Fuck I love a smooth body.

OCD takes not only time but energy too. Had quite a number of obsessive loops and felt that I got tired from that alone. Also Monday is close which kills the mood completely. Will have to motivate myself again to start the week.

Saturday

Woke up before 8 am but got out of bed only after 10 am. Either I'm really lacking simple discipline or my daily struggles exhaust me a lot so I kinda need this... Could be both.

Prepared some clothes for a return and shaved my bikini area. That's all I did today... Will try to do better tomorrow. Oh and even though I more or less controlled it my OCD was really active today. I guess at home I get more freedom so it becomes harder to fight it. It's fucking hard.

10 pm. Listening Powerman 5000 album, drinking black coffee and thinking about trying women's jeans. Having a difficult time finding spray-on type jeans that would suit me just right. Often it's a bit too tight on my calves. And it has to be black so I have less to choose from. So from checking out a few stores it feels like the majority of jeans for women are made for bigger butts which I don't really have.... super sad. Might still try a few jeans to see how it feels. The assortment of clothes for men is so poor compared to what women have.

Friday

It was a decent day. Managed to do some good work and kept my OCD in control. It kept pushing many times but somehow had the strength not to give in. Just a number of short obsessive loops. Mood - meh. And it's really good considering.

I love and hate Fridays. It's great because I will have some time for my things during the weekend however bathroom rituals and IPL legs session is a killer. Writing this at 11 pm and I'm exhausted. I hope I won't be in bed until tomorrow noon as it's such a waste. Especially in my situation.

Noticed that when I see not that attractive women I feel good. The reason for that is (I think) that if I eventually transition (MTF) I could look at least ok and more or less blend in.

Hello, Friend

This bog will be my daily diary/journal. This blog is for me to vent but feel free to comment. Many daily posts will include sexual and mental illness topics.