Woke up. In bed thought a little about what I really want and what is my current situation. Focus became not what's possible but what I don't have. Instant negativity which put me into a slightly negative state. Not sure how I will manage that during the day.
During the day. It got worse. OCD isn't the main problem right now. Gender dysphoria is killing me, I try not to burst into tears. What triggered me was the upcoming women's day when I should bring some flowers to work as usual... I feel like I will throw up. Not exactly sure why this triggered me so badly but it's so painful. Even potential future transitioning doesn't help much as now I'm thinking I will never be a real woman. I don't know how long I can continue... I feel that need to tell my mom everything but it either would help a bit or it would make everything so much worse. There is a big chance the latter would happen...
Evening. Slightly better. Days like this make me think that I might not be able to function without drugs. Depression and OCD boost gender dysphoria a lot. A really heavy cocktail.
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