Got some momentum from yesterday so today wasn't too bad. It's rare but it happened again. Gave in slightly to negativity. Usually it happens when the focus becomes narrow and goes to negative stuff. I'm not able to feel the positive side. I know there is one and I understand it however it's like I still don't believe it. Somehow for a slight moment I managed to see and feel the big picture - bad, good, possibilities. A shift happened and got back to neutral state.
By default I'm a people pleaser and I care what other people think. Working on that. This isn't the first time but for a period of time I was in a state when I didn't really care about others and their opinions. It was the calmness with a slight flavor of aggression. It happened a few times in the past but I'm not sure how to access it.
I'm work in progress so there is a lot I still don't know but I have a romantic and sexual preference for women. I noticed that if I see a really attractive woman I become aroused however I don't feel the desire to fuck her if you will. Maybe because I'm submissive. All I would like to do would be to cuddle, kiss and please her. That's pretty much all I feel. I guess I could do some fucking... and I guess it would be a really intimate and amazing experience it's just that it feels a bit weird to me. When it comes to men I don't really find them attractive romantically. But sexually yes. I'm a completely submissive bottom. That one thing is completely clear.
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