Thursday

Today my pretty coworker was triggering me really bad. It was very painful. The pain was almost physical. One time she let her beautiful hair down and I was messed up completely.
I keep pushing all the time but when I stop and think about everything that is bad it truly feels pointless to live.

Wednesday

Nothing special today. Sugar, caffeine and metal. I don't know if I would survive without that.
Whenever I see young girls I remember I will never have youth in a body that I'm comfortable with.

Tuesday

Obvious lack of sleep. After lunch I was dying. Not literally but it was bad. Only at 3 PM after coffee I resurrected and felt sharp. Such a state is rare so it's weird. I guess normal people feel like this most of the time.
Diode laser seems to be way less efficient than Alexandrite. If eventually I turn to Alexandrite I can't decide if I should spend most of my savings on full body. A smooth body is one of the most important things to me so such an investment makes sense however pricing is crazy.

Monday

Urologist visit in the capital. Completely exhausted.
Can't wait for summer to end. Not only for heat but also for my dysphoria...

Sunday

Spent most of the day in bed. Felt very fatigued. With my mental and health issues I barely make any progress.
Watching women's gym workout videos hypes me up to do my workout.
Because of antidepressants I gained a few kilograms however it's not enough for BBL.

Saturday

Got out of bed at 11:30 AM. Felt disgusting and dizzy. A great start of the day...
-What if I used a tiny clip for my thinned out front hair?
-I hope you are joking?
...

Friday

Wasn't too hard. Slightly dizzy and fatigued but manageable.
Pretty coworker was once again killing me but nothing new.
I'm so disgusted by my facial hair... right after laser it's very irritating to get a close shave so I didn't get a close shave. I hate it so much. I don't feel like me.

Thursday

Trichologist appointment. She said to see a real view we need to check my situation in 4 months. So for this time she didn't prescribe Finasteride yet.
My trichologist triggered my dysphoria really hard. She is extremely cute and feminine and that was too hard for me. At home I felt I was in a bad mood. Got to the point where I felt such a huge and painful sadness that I almost cried. Antidepressants seem to numb me a little so it's harder for me to cry these days. Somehow it feels that my dysphoria might still progress even more. I don't know if I can take it. I'm hardly hanging as it is right now.
It is said that gender dysphoria often starts in the early teens. Coincidence or not I can remember a few things that could have indicated my early dysphoria and those are from when I was in my teens. I knew about those for a while but just today I realised the time they occurred. It's possible that there could have been many more instances of early 'symptoms' that I never paid attention to or analyzed therefore they were forgotten. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm just very tired...
I mentioned earlier my 2 guesses about my dysphoria. One was that I'm transfeminine non-binary or that I'm actually a trans who is afraid that she would never pass as a real woman therefore it's all repressed. Right now, in my current state, I feel that the latter could be the case.

Wednesday

After work I felt like shit. Went straight to bed. I felt so weak I could barely walk.
When washing myself for a second I thought to myself 'What I'm doing? Who I'm kidding?'. But at the same time I felt that there was no way back.
Trichologist tomorrow. It's possible I will be put on Finasteride.

Tuesday

One of the worst days when it comes to my health. Also got a call from my doc to come and see him.
Today saw my reflection on the bus and I didn't like it at all...
On reddit I read someone describing their whole dysphoria situation and it's EXACTLY like mine. I never thought someone else would feel 100% like me.
Sometimes I feel like I don't progress at all...

Monday

Wasn't too bad. It was difficult to make myself work but I did. More or less. Made some calls and appointments so the day was quite productive. On the way back home dysphoria punched me in the mouth. Not only that I saw some good looking women but also I saw a couple that was pushing a stroller. The young woman was petite and in a skirt. She looked so cute and feminine that I almost died. At least I have David Goggins to help me suffer.

Sunday

So I came out to my mom a tiny bit more. I let her know that I don't like when I look too masculine. She didn't like it. I asked if she is disgusted by me but she said that she wasn't (I'm sure she is at least a little bit). She just said that she thought I was normal and it turned out to be the opposite. Disappointment. Maybe I need to take a break. But I guess when you pretend for so long it starts to build up inside until it becomes too much.
Did my first workout after not doing it for a week or so. Was really hard but I feel better after.
There is a potentially minor skin problem that I'm obsessing about a lot right now. I have experience with anomalies when doctors can't help. So I'm afraid this could also be one of those anomalies.

Saturday

Full body laser with diode laser. The pain level is very low. It's easier to get half-naked in front of 1 person versus 2. After session I feel slightly better as it feels like progress. I just wish the progress was faster.
I keep noticing gorgeous bodies and it's killing me. There is beauty appreciation that is followed by huge pain. I'm sure I would feel better if I was way younger. This would possibly allow me to transition and still be young.

Friday

So laser day. It hurts really bad, holy shit. I keep forgetting how much it hurts. But I would take this pain every day instead of my dysphoria pain. I saw so many girls in short shorts again. Every time it's like my heart is getting pierced.

Thursday

Had to leave work before lunch. The heat is at its highest these days and my health is at its worst. I hope this disability won't last too long as I couldn't hold any job.
Tomorrow face and bikini laser session and the day after the rest of the body. I'm pushing myself to my limits.
Seeing couples outside triggering me badly. I wish with all my heart I was that girl and I had a boyfriend or husband. But I don't even like masculinity romantically.

Wednesday

Hard to breathe, discomfort in the chest area and a huge headache. That's what 33C heat does to me.
Saw a crazy number of gorgeous girls in the capital. The pain was so huge it almost caused bleeding. Partly joking but it's way above my average day dysphoria.
Doc's appointment was partly disappointing. Docs seem to ignore my anomalies as if I made them up. Fucking assholes. Got a certain test done. The physical pain was 9 out of 10.

Tuesday

Very hot day so not a productive day.
Money buys happiness and that's a fact.
Tomorrow will be the hottest day this summer and I'm traveling to the capital city for doctor's appointment. Not sure if I will survive this journey.

Monday

I fell into a pit. There was a girl that stabbed me with a Needle. Then I saw myself from outside and I was Arya Stark. Then we held our bloody hands. That was the end of one chapter of my dream. There were multiple weird and unexplainable dreams last night.
Today I had an appointment with a young and pretty psychologist. She was triggering me. I let her know that and she seemed understanding. It was super hard to talk about my dysphoria but I did it and she was nice. While explaining my things I scratched my fingers until I saw blood. My anxiety was through the roof. She told me I need psychotherapy as she won't be able to help with my gender issues.

Sunday

Even though antidepressants don't allow me to swing too much, today I had my mood swings. Probably a new minor problem helped with that. Also tried to find some information in my language about gender dysphoria. Very few articles were available and from those few articles there was some 'Dr' saying it's a disorder and it's not real. So all this added to my mood.

Saturday

It seems that antidepressants don't let me fall deep into depression. I'm more slow and sleepy though. So that's a trade-off.
Metallica is today's band.
Today I'm thinking about how disappointed and ashamed my parents will be. I will start to slowly change and they thought I was more or less normal. Also sometimes I have a feeling that I'm a bit too old to make such a change. I guess when younger people do it it could be more acceptable. In a way anyway.
A little afraid that HRT could give me too big breasts that I couldn't hide if I wanted to.

Friday

Because one of my biggest problems worsened instead of work I went to the hospital. Got a sick leave for a few days but that won't solve it. All these health issues are like a huge anchor stopping me from progressing.
Saw so many young moms with their children. Jeez that's so triggering.

Thursday

Coffee, sugar and metal.
After lunch I wasn't able to work for a while. Was close to fainting while sitting. Those antidepressants are affecting me a lot. If I was more or less healthy then I guess it wouldn't be that problematic.
My pretty coworker is triggering me constantly. Because of my dysphoria I can't appreciate beauty anymore. And there was a time when I would look at myself and would feel completely fine. I wish I knew how exactly that was. I was exposed to trans porn and femboy Reddit. That was the beginning. For a long time I thought it was some fetish of mine. I remember when I saw those femboys and read some of the posts it felt like home. Instantly I related a lot even though it was my first time exposed to that type of thing.

Wednesday

The first half of the day felt terrible physically. And I still need to work when I'm almost dead.
I'm not planning on getting SRS in the future but today for the first time felt a mental spark when I knew I would go for that in the future. That was weird. Even now I'm sure I wouldn't go for it.
New coworker. A woman. Less attractive so less triggering. Noticed her painted nails though. How amazing it would be if it would be totally acceptable for me to have painted nails.

Tuesday

Was rejected after that job interview. Other than that the day was alright. Lots of discomfort but not too bad. Feeling those antidepressant side effects.
At home I expected that it will be different but I can't say I noticed anything different. Also I haven't came out fully so maybe that helps...

Monday

So conversation was flowing and I partly came out to my mom... She quickly stopped the conversation as she didn't want to know anything more. Have no idea how it will be from now on. I'm sure she feels a huge disappointment. Maybe even disgust. It's very possible that I made a huge mistake here... My logical plan was to wait for at least 1-1.5 years but all this was eating me alive every day and I just couldn't hold it anymore... I just wanted so much to be supported and loved the way I am...

Sunday

33C. Way way way too much for me. Can barely function or breathe.
Was in bed and was thinking how beautiful it would be to be normal, to have a wife and have little kids. Most likely I won't have it. It felt so sad but I couldn't fall deeper. Probably because of the antidepressants I'm taking.

Saturday

Slept a lot, did full body shaving, some data collection and analysis. Still way too little.
I hate that most of the time I can't feel my dream and potential. Sometimes I get some sparks and it instantly shifts the mood, I get some energy and feel motivated. But soon it fades away. If I could have a more or less clear path to that I would be moving so much faster.
Society seems to be more acceptable when it comes to women presenting as more masculine compared to men presenting as more feminine. That really sucks. I introduced my parents to TV show Billions. They seem to like it a lot. I wonder what they are thinking about Taylor Mason.

Friday

My coworker is killing me and she has no idea.
Had a job interview for a 'work from home' position. They tested my spoken English and I suck at that. I never had any practice.
I slipped again. Overate and I barely can sit.

Thursday

Thursday and Friday are the days when my female coworker comes to work. So today my dysphoria was at its peak. I constantly saw feminine body, painted nails, piercings, pretty face and nice hair. Fuck, many people are so lucky to be in the right body and be healthy... Pure pain...
I wonder if I would be happy only achieving an androgynous look.

Wednesday

Today was almost exactly like yesterday, not too bad. However when I have to go home triggers are everywhere. It keeps hitting me until I actually get home. And even then I'm usually feeling very dysphoric. At home through window I saw a couple pushing a stroller. Felt so sad that I'm not this young woman...
It's possible that I might find a job where I could work at home. I would probably go out only to the hospital. Maybe the supermarket sometimes too.

Tuesday

A little better day. Kept obsessing about my gender as it's super unclear. Again felt the urge to come out to my mom. I guess the main reason would be to stop feeling this anxiety. I feel a constant anxiety not knowing how she would react. I know it wouldn't be good either way. It feels like now this life and the whole relationship is temporary and is based on lies.
Now even little girls can trigger my dysphoria. Thinking how amazing it would be born a girl. I could enjoy my full life from an early age. At least I was younger, would have a little more life left...