Thursday

Trichologist appointment. She said to see a real view we need to check my situation in 4 months. So for this time she didn't prescribe Finasteride yet.
My trichologist triggered my dysphoria really hard. She is extremely cute and feminine and that was too hard for me. At home I felt I was in a bad mood. Got to the point where I felt such a huge and painful sadness that I almost cried. Antidepressants seem to numb me a little so it's harder for me to cry these days. Somehow it feels that my dysphoria might still progress even more. I don't know if I can take it. I'm hardly hanging as it is right now.
It is said that gender dysphoria often starts in the early teens. Coincidence or not I can remember a few things that could have indicated my early dysphoria and those are from when I was in my teens. I knew about those for a while but just today I realised the time they occurred. It's possible that there could have been many more instances of early 'symptoms' that I never paid attention to or analyzed therefore they were forgotten. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm just very tired...
I mentioned earlier my 2 guesses about my dysphoria. One was that I'm transfeminine non-binary or that I'm actually a trans who is afraid that she would never pass as a real woman therefore it's all repressed. Right now, in my current state, I feel that the latter could be the case.