Wednesday

It was a weirdly decent day. Felt depressed but was able to stay sharp and work.
Figured out that one of my biggest pains is no support from my parents. And not only that but also hate. If I started transitioning it most likely would be the end for me. That hurts the most. I did nothing wrong to be like this...

Tuesday

The day wasn't too bad. Lots of sadness and pain but that's almost usual. The only difference right now is that my feelings are boosted without drugs. Will try to continue though to see how it goes.
It's such a weird feeling when I'm crying from sadness and pain but I'm almost smiling because I still believe I can survive...

Monday

Felt alone and depressed the whole day. Even now in the evening even if I manage to spark some positivity it does almost nothing to my darkness.
Had a nice time with my psychologist. We joked a little. It was fun. I have no one to do that irl.
I'm pretty sure some teen girls laughed a little at my appearance. I dress all black and also these days I'm wearing my platform NewRock boots. That alone is weird. Felt a bit uncomfortable but I didn't care too much. It's my expression. It's me. I wonder what they would say if they saw what's in my mind...

Sunday

I thought I got lucky. I thought he was different. At the end it seems my fears were right... I feel so sad and lonely...
The whole day I was anxious and obsessed about war risk. If that would start I have no idea what I should do... I feel like my life would be over...

Saturday

Didn't do half of planned things however the day was productive.
Found a great trans community. It feels so nice to belong.

Friday

A decent day. Worsened stomach discomfort is probably caused by increased depressive swings. The only good thing was that I didn't feel sleepy or dizzy today.
Saw a good looking girl on the bus and was so jealous it hurt.
Whenever I see my reflection I notice my brow area and it triggers my dysphoria a lot. Immediately I start getting into a depressive state. That's when I have to try and pull myself out while I still haven't fallen deep.

Thursday

Had my barber/hairdresser appointment. She is lovely and she cares about giving her best. Also we had a nice chat about hair and life in general. At one point I asked how old she thinks I am. She guessed 26 when I am 30 (sadly). It's nice to look a bit younger however not that long ago I would get asked for an ID when buying energy drinks. FOMO.
Trichologist, vitamins, medicine and electrolysis. Half of my monthly salary is gone. In one day. I appreciate the progress but financially it's crazy and depressing.
On the bus back home I was wondering if I'm actually a man but just confused. In my mind I called myself a man. It felt weird, a bit disgusting and sad. This part is the worst. Not knowing and being confused is killing me.

Wednesday

Without andtidepressants I'm feeling more and deeper. Cried at the bus stop, on the bus and at work. Also during my psychotherapy session. The pain and sadness is real. Dysphoria is a big reason for all this but it's not the only one. Another reason is sadness that my parents aren't supportive. I can't express myself and be me. If my parents would know and see me I think I would be kicked out. Why do they have to be aggressive homophobes... At least I would be financially stable...
When it comes to my psychotherapist I'm very happy she took me. I would love to talk with her every day.

Tuesday

Today I felt rested but had a terrible stomach problem. It's a real suffering.
At work I imagined what it would be like to come out to my both parents fully. I know their views quite well. It would be a shock, anger, disappointment and SHAME. He would probably say that the whole life I was fine and now I come up with crazy shit. And I'm sure if I started obviously transitioning they would kick me out. Did I ask for all this?

Monday

The negative state is dragging from yesterday. Not sure what caused this but it was deep. At work I cried multiple times. In the evening I received some fem jeans which was exciting. Also managed to try them all, prepare some returns and even order some new ones. While being very tired. Felt like a productive evening. For me anyway...
Very dysphoric about my face and hair. Mostly hair I guess. Also feeling a huge FOMO which adds a lot of stress.

Sunday

It was alright in the morning but then I was pushed into a negative state. I knew it was mostly bullshit but I didn't know what to do. Worked for a while on that before I found some balance. I fucking hate this shit life. Basically this shit is stealing my life.

Saturday

My problems. In a weird way partly I'm glad I have them. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have such motivation to progress because naturally I'm a lazy person.
Today I wasted some time and had my headache as usual. Spent several hours gathering mtf progress pictures for my psychotherapist. For some reason it felt like time wasting.

Friday

The day started ok. In the morning I was about to skip my workout as there wasn't much time left. I started feeling weird about this and I knew that if I did my workout it would be a mood boost. I pushed myself and did my workout. It helped. At work I felt slightly hyped. I'm sure the fact that it was a Friday helped too. Also I kept thinking about FFS possibilities which also added to my mood.
After lunch I had my psychologist appointment. For 2 exhausting hours I was doing a variety of tests. After those tests my face was hot. Will get results next week. Too bad that this session cost what I make in a whole week.
The psychologist was aware of my gender dysphoria. She even told me that she was feeling a feminine vibe from me. That was huge for me. I don't even know how to express myself how that made me feel. It felt amazing. Years ago if I was called feminine I would probably take that as an insult. At least that's how I was taught to react...

Thursday

A better day. Got hyped by FFS's potential. Rode this hype half of the day and felt quite positive.
There were several times when I thought about myself as a sick weirdo. Why do I need all this? Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to bring shame to my parents?

Wednesday

Very tired and sleepy. I did an ok job until lunch and then it got worse. I did very little work after lunch and it was obvious.
I'm not taking my antidepressants for around a week and today was the first day I stopped my anti-anxiety drugs. Thinking that maybe my mind is now more active therefore I burn more energy.
During my breaks at work I was reading about FFS in Turkey. I think there is potential and it would be cheaper.

Tuesday

Felt very tired the whole day but the day in general wasn't too bad. During the day felt dysphoric many times about my brow and hair which is exhausting. During my tiny breaks I ordered some fem jeans to try. That felt good.
At the end of the day I overate and felt exhausted. Felt like going to bed, felt unmotivated. But then I made myself think about what I really want, how it would feel to make it. I felt that spark. Barely but still felt it.

Monday

No one truly cares.
So today I lost my positive momentum. Then I read something related to my hair and came to a certain realization. This was a very slight progress that helped me get back on track. Also I started listening to SOAD and I felt positive again. I think it was Tony Robbins who said that progress equals happiness.
Even though I didn't see many pretty faces I felt really dysphoric about my brow and hair. I can't forget it even for a minute.

Sunday

Started the day strong. For me anyway. Also I still felt some positive momentum. Even about my toxic family. I was able to see through the shit and see the way.
I think for me motivation comes from positivity and not negativity. I know some people get motivated by negativity but for me it's the opposite. On the macro level negativity is what gives me motivation to push forward. Naturally I'm quite lazy but because of my problems I know what has to be done.
After lunch I felt weak and dizzy. A terrible combo.

Saturday

I felt some positive feelings from yesterday. I could call it a positive momentum. Waste some time but not fully which is something.
Being dizzy all the time sucks...
Did some decent work in the evening. Today I'm a bit proud of myself.

Friday

Laser day. A few areas were crazy painful. Also I noticed laser technician's feminine face features and it was really painful.
I stopped taking my antidepressants. Dizziness is still a problem however today I felt quite good. Unusually good. From early morning I felt calm. Not much stress or anxiety. Also I felt confident the whole day. I felt like I could do anything, I could alter my reality. But soon I felt drained and that mentioned feeling reduced a lot. If I could feel like that all the time, I could achieve much more, and my mental state would be way more stable.

Thursday

Feeling dizzy several days in a row. Especially with eye movement. Felt unstable. Shit just keeps on stacking.
Tomorrow pain session. Uhhh...

Wednesday

Psychotherapy session. Lots of anxiety however it's useful. Feeling accepted alone feels amazing. Also my psychotherapist uses she/her pronouns with me. It's weird but pleasing. Felt super exhausted sometime after this session.

Tuesday

Shit day. Dizzy and sleepy the whole day. Not to forget my constant stomach discomfort.
Hair hair hair... Even though I keep reminding myself that there is an option if the worst happens however it's still very sad. Not to forget that the mentioned option would add A LOT to expenses.

Monday

I skipped my antidepressants and with only 2 hours of sleep I was functioning all right. Also my mind was way more active. I'm not sure if related but my mood was decent too. Of course the fear of losing my hair is depressing me as always.

Sunday

Kept looking at my thinned-out hair, started thinking about it more and fell into depression. Sleep helped a little. I had a dream-perspective that helped. However because of this depressive state I lost a lot of time which also makes me feel bad. I hate that in depressive state I'm not able to see the full picture or to be objective.

Saturday

Slept a lot and woke up with a terrible headache that lasted the whole day. Only after painkillers and hot tea the headache became less of a problem.
I feel like shit because of my hair situation but there was a moment when I knew I will win no matter what. I felt calm. This didn't last long but it was nice. Not sure what triggered such a state. My mental situation would improve so much if my hair problem would get solved.

Friday

Felt very exhausted the whole day as I lack sleep a lot.
Today I didn't wash my hair and my hair didn't look good, especially the thin area... why me? Whyyyyyyyy... I keep obsessing about the possibility that I won't be able to fix my hair. That terrifies me.
Sometimes I feel like some freak for feeling gender dysphoria.

Thursday

Was very sleepy but the day wasn't too bad. As usual I had dysphoric thoughts. The only hope I have is FFS and hair systems. Even though those options are far from perfect it's a lot better than nothing. Also you need some serious money for those.
It's already so hard to live like this... at least my family would be at least a little bit supportive...

Wednesday

A huge lack of sleep. Caffeine barely helps. In the evening I overate and I was almost dead.
At the hospital I saw some young women who made me feel I could never look like them. That was really depressing.

Tuesday

I felt very tired and sleepy the whole day. Gave some blood for tests so that felt like a slight progress.
Right now I mostly get triggered by nice hair. If my hair wasn't a problem my depression level would decrease A LOT. Even trichologists aren't sure about anything. This whole hair situation feels like a complete gamble...

Monday

Felt very fatigued and weak the whole day again even though I had not taken my heart meds for 2 days. Because of that my progress was very minimal which adds to my depression.
I hate my brow!