At work I had difficulty breathing, weak legs and a high pulse. At peak I wasn't able to work for more than an hour.
On the way home once again I saw several beautiful women with perfect bodies and postures. If I would get that probably my heart would stop from euphoria... I don't think I could ever look that great. Sometimes I notice some of my masculine features and it kills me.
Question if I'm actually trans or transfem NB still bugs me. I already mentioned that I would be so much happier being born a woman however right now I don't exactly feel like one. The question is if my current appearance is affecting such feelings... Maybe I don't expect to look great therefore I can't feel like a woman? That's a question I came up with today. I'm quite self-aware and I'm advanced in metathinking however all this is still very unclear.
Monday
Sunday
Thinking about trying to find a job that I could do at home which would be a huge plus considering my health issues. However I'm afraid to lose my current position but that's unavoidable I guess.
There are moments when I don't really feel very feminine. I think certain topics/states/themes connect to my past when I was a 'guy'. My guess is that when such a connection is made I feel like I felt in the past. Not completely sure about this though which gives me anxiety.
When I have to motivate myself to push through suffering I motivate myself with my dream. However I noticed that often I know what is the dream but I don't actually feel it therefore I lack the motivation to suffer. I can remember a few times when I was exhausted in bed and I actually saw and felt my dream. A sudden increase in energy and I jumped out of bed.
Saturday
When I start wasting time it's hard to stop. And it can last for days. I wasted most of my time 2 days straight. I have to get back on track.
The strangest thing happened today. I felt nothing. At first I thought I wasn't having the motivation to work on my stuff. But then realized I couldn't feel anything, bad or good. I could remember what I desire and crave the most on a daily basis. I could remember my dream but at that time I couldn't feel it. I felt dead inside. Made myself do my daily workout after which I felt more like me. But still a bit weird. I keep thinking that those antidepressants could be fucking with me.
Friday
Was sitting and was about to start my workout. I stood up and felt that my legs got very weak and shaky. Checked my pulse and it was around 130 bpm. Not sure if I'm having some micro panic attacks or something more serious is going on... The blood test came all right. Will make an appointment with a cardiologist.
Obsessions are real, especially when conditions for those are better at home. It's like I would be off-drugs. These stupid paranoid obsessions are so exhausting and annoying.
Sometimes I catch myself looking a bit feminine and instantly it makes me happy. For a moment.
Thursday
I did a cardiogram which showed some palpitations but was assured it was normal. The blood test comes tomorrow which I'm sure will be fine. This whole day I'm spending in bed being depressed not being a woman.
Even though my libido is low it's not non-existent... I watch only gay porn. Just now I came to the realization that I might avoid straight porn because it's painful, it's triggering my gender dysphoria really badly.
Wednesday
A really difficult day. Had to ask my manager to let me go home a few hours early as my pulse reached 116 bpm, was dizzy and had weak legs. I'm sure this heat and antidepressants are causing this. Of course I might be sick in general that these things affect me like this. Tomorrow going to the hospital to see if some tests could be made.
I often fear that I won't make it in time...
Tuesday
Today I truly realized my libido is low. Maybe suffering, depression and antidepressants add to it. I was thinking about how amazing good sex could feel but at the same time I didn't feel a true desire. Sad. Oh and I can only imagine what my libido would be like after starting Finasteride...
Beautiful girls outside with nice butts and legs. Saw a young woman with petite hands and nice nails. OMG. I also notice how almost everyone has thick and nice hair... I'm exhausted...
Monday
After the weekend heavy hair loss during washing. The start was hard. At work was obsessing about if I might lose my libido completely from Finasteride use. Would love to get ED but it would be super sad to lose my already low libido.
On the way back home saw MANY young women with nice butts and legs. I can't get a break. It seems everyone has nice butts. BBL would be an option if I had fat. Seems only weight training could make it better for me. Also potentially HRT could help with that. However I have no idea when I will start making moves for HRT. Also there is some doubt deep inside. Could be fear of how everything will turn out, especially when my posture is quite bad and it's very difficult to improve. Anyway first I have to fix my hair one way or another because that shit alone makes me ugly.
Sunday
I can barely control my obsessions. They are so irritating and annoying. My thoughts keep jumping from one problem to another. And I'm not talking only about actual problems. My paranoia is creating some potential problems too to obsess about.
One of my antidepressant side effects is erectile problems. In a few months I might start taking Finasteride which has a side effect of erectile problems. Would love to stop getting erections.
Saturday
Wasted day more or less. Will try better tomorrow. I think antidepressants have something to do with that too.
My fucked up hairline is killing me even though I self-talk constantly. I feel ugly...
Friday
I see so many women with fem bodies it makes me sad. I saw one girl with amazing legs and ass and leggings. Holy shit this hit me hard. I felt some attraction deep inside but my dysphoria is so strong that I don't really feel anything else.
First day on antidepressants. After 9 am felt fatigued. Usual stuff.
At home jumped on the hair obsession loop. Probably talked to myself for like 10-15 minutes. Oh and I talk to myself every day. I like it because in my head it's a complete mess and chaos. Chaos is a ladder. Not this time. So talking to myself out loud makes it more clear. If anyone would catch me doing that they would be really scared.
Thursday
Full body laser day. Hope this laser works on me. Today was one of those days when I felt very insecure, weird and lost. I was reacting to everything through some paranoid filter. Not only do I feel like shit but also my reaction to the world is based on some paranoid anxiety. My stomach is completely fucked.
Wednesday
Not too bad day. My appearance is depressing me a lot. Also I feel anxious around people as I feel like they look at me as some sick weirdo. Keep hyping myself with positive views and potential. Will go on antidepressants soon. I fear it will make me fatigued again.
Tuesday
-How it went at your psychiatrist?
-Do you really want to know? You won't like it.
-Did you talk about suicidal thoughts or something?
-No.
-Then it can't be worse than that.
-I think it can. You would probably wish I would kill myself if you knew. Do you really want to know?
-No, I'm scared...
THE END.
Monday
My thoughts are crazy without drugs. Thoughts keep jumping actively from one topic to another. Also I feel I have more energy in general. More energy = more obsessions.
I saw a few girls with such smooth and flawless legs... Definitely I'm going to do a laser leg capillary removal in the future. Of course if I don't die before that.
Sunday
Very hot day, 32C. Feels like my skin is burning, eyes are itchy. Barely did anything today. My obsessions right now are like I remember them before starting anxiety drugs. Trying to motivate myself to continue progressing towards my goals however it's super difficult to do because I'm being reminded of my painful problems every few seconds.
Saturday
Without anxiety drugs my OCD became a lot more active. Obsessions are stronger and I keep jumping from one topic to another. It's really difficult to do some work as my thoughts keep running. And because of OCD I get more depressed. And this isn't because I have OCD but because I keep coming back to painful topics that I'm anxious about.
I wish there was a way to know if I will be able to save my hair. All these experiments might take years and there is a good possibility that it will look disgusting in the end.
Friday
So seeing young mothers out there triggering me hard. I think it hits me harder than seeing pretty girls in general. On the bus I saw a young woman with a pretty face. Such feminine features. Why I was born in this disgusting body... The saddest thing is that possibility to transition is there but I can't afford it...
Thursday
Huuuuuuge discomfort all the time. Fucking health issues. I can't get a break. I'm barely hanging, my crying episode is super close. I keep shifting between moods nonstop. One moment I can cry and another moment I can be hyped. I don't think I'm bipolar as my darkness is by default and I keep pushing another way all the time so I don't crash.
Went off anxiety drugs to see if my fatigue reduces. But mainly for laser. Noticed increased thought activity which can be really bad in a way.
Wednesday
So it appears that my anxiety drugs can cause increased sensitivity therefore there was no full body laser. They did only a test to see how I react. Might travel next week if everything is alright. My stomach is all messed up because of today's increased anxiety and stress.
Saw an amazing girl with such a body... her butt was PERFECT... wanted to be her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad...
Tuesday
Managed to keep my obsessions at bay. More or less. Always remember my hair situation which starts to shift my mood immediately. I get very dysphoric mostly when I'm outside and seeing people. When inside it's manageable.
Tomorrow face and full body laser session. Excited but at the same time I know how exhausting it will be. Also slightly scared of potential irritation and burns.
Monday
Manageable day. Everything I have to do on daily basis requires a lot of will power. That exhausts and can easily push into depressive episode.
Sunday
Bad day. Did NOTHING as I was in the hole. Everything started when in the morning I saw thinned out front. Got really depressed. Eventually got a headache.
Saturday
Overslept. Dizziness. Trying not to think about my hair constantly but when I do I get really sad. I tend to overeat when I'm deeply depressed.
Friday
This coworker is triggering my dysphoria whenever I look at her but overall today wasn't too bad. One moment I even felt some hype related to my dream job. I guess this snowballed because in the evening I felt slightly positive. I still don't know how to tap into all this.
Thursday
Holiday day. At home I don't get many triggers so it's easier. Wasted some time but at the same time I feel rested. And can't get a break from obsessing about the hair situation. Not a single minute.
Wednesday
Today was a slightly better, less obsessive day. Mostly because cnc hair systems give me hope if the worst happens. Even though it would still be super sad but that's a decent option compared. Writing this alone is depressing...
Tuesday
So noticed that the hair situation might be worse than I thought. This hit me so hard that I could barely do any work for several hours. I simply didn't know how to work. Obsessive thoughts and panic were so so so strong I couldn't help myself.
On the bus home I almost cried. Deep sadness and dysphoria swallowed me. I will never be a young woman or mother I see outside all the time. Writing this now I feel I'm not too far from throwing up...
Monday
Was better than expected. There wasn't a single minute I wouldn't think about my hair so that's really depressing. In the late evening I felt positive for an hour or so. At the same time I felt an energy boost despite consuming no caffeine. Also I felt this ambition I haven't felt for a while. Not sure why this happened, I'm just sure there must be several things that caused this chain of events in my mind. If I would feel like this most of the time there wouldn't be a thing I couldn't achieve. Meanwhile most days I think about death. What the fuck right.
Sunday
When I can see I don't really want to die. But at times I start considering this as an option.
Everything I do goes wrong. Sometimes I really get tired of this.
I lack sexual life. I often think about young women that are living their lives to the fullest. Also being sexually active and enjoying their bodies. What I wouldn't do or give to have that...
Fucking Monday is on its way. Every minute I work I feel discomfort. And I'm talking about physical discomfort.
Saturday
My hair situation boosted by OCD is killing me. I can't be productive at all as obsession is super strong. My hope of being feminine just vanishing...