Monday

At work I had difficulty breathing, weak legs and a high pulse. At peak I wasn't able to work for more than an hour.
On the way home once again I saw several beautiful women with perfect bodies and postures. If I would get that probably my heart would stop from euphoria... I don't think I could ever look that great. Sometimes I notice some of my masculine features and it kills me.
Question if I'm actually trans or transfem NB still bugs me. I already mentioned that I would be so much happier being born a woman however right now I don't exactly feel like one. The question is if my current appearance is affecting such feelings... Maybe I don't expect to look great therefore I can't feel like a woman? That's a question I came up with today. I'm quite self-aware and I'm advanced in metathinking however all this is still very unclear.