First laser session for full face. The pain was 9 out of 10, at times I even shook. Happy though. First big step and no turning back. Also felt my dysphoria a lot as my technician was young and very pretty.
Tuesday
Terrible experience with a urologist. Fucking asshole. Never coming back to him. This shit put me in a bad state. Keep reliving the whole experience. That's what I do. Tomorrow laser appointment for my face and bikini. Hope that goes ok.
Monday
My trichologist appointment got canceled... lost some money on train tickets. A great start of the new week. Nothing new though as everything goes against me every time. Well to be honest probably 95-98% of the time. Lost most of the day. A little bit of time wasting but also I barely could walk. Something more serious going on...
Sunday
Lost my morning. Slipped again and spent ~12 hours in bed. Huge headache again. Didn't do my morning workout. Dammit this is fucking depressing. I have to stop this behavior, somehow.
I fucking hate my facial hair.... hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it.
Saturday
With more sleep the whole daily routine gets messed up. But I did everything I planned. Was super hard and it required serious discipline, especially when I'm physically messed up. Goggins mentioned a 'what if' mentality/approach and I started using that too. I imagine how it would feel when I was half dead and I still pushed myself to the limits and did what I had to. That acts as a good motivator to keep suffering.
I don't go out on weekends so I don't see many women. This keeps my dysphoria manageable...
Friday
Today I was reminded that I'm a man and that was like a punch to the face. Overall the day wasn't very bad. Dysphoria keeps coming at me. Trying to self-talk myself out of the hole every time. I don't think I would be able to live the rest of my life like this.
Thursday
All the same. Painful hits keep coming. And you can't even forget. Summer is the worst in 2 aspects. The heat and the strongest dysphoria. I don't think last summer I felt such a pain.
Even though this weather is killing me (possibly literally) I still do my workout. The usual 30 minute workout now requires almost 60 minutes but I still do it. That's something.
Wednesday
Damn those girls with flawless legs... Anyway work was alright, usual waste of life. But higher level dysphoria remains. I barely keep up with self-talk. And the heat is killing me. At least thats how it feels. After work I barely can move.
Tuesday
Okay dysphoria is hitting me hard. I'm sure this new coworker and nice bodies outside adding to this. Also these days it's crystal clear that I would give and do ANYTHING to be a real woman. It's sooooo painful... At work I felt that if I gave in to this pain I would have a really good cry and fall into complete darkness. Probably could easily progress to suicide.
Monday
Got a new coworker sitting in my office not far from me. She is in her late 20s I would say. Pretty... So yea my dysphoria now is getting triggered constantly. So this summer I will see half-naked fem bodies outside and one inside. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Anyway this evening the darkness started pulling me but managed not to fall completely which is something I guess. Now I will hate going to work even more, fuck me really....
Sunday
It's very hard to get out of bed. I guess this warm weather helps with that. Also my thinking is a bit cloudy and sleepy so it's harder to make myself jump out of bed. When I fail to wake up on time it's an instant failure from the start which doesn't help at all with the day.
Trying to find a good butt workout but there are thousands of them and how to know which is good?! I guess I will just have to pick one and start doing it until I progress to weight training.
Didn't do much today and it feels bad. Feels like I progressed very little compared to what progress I could have made. That's depressing for real.
Saturday
Goggins wouldn't be proud of me. Got out of bed only after 11 am and I should've done it at 9 am. A bit off-road day, stress-free in a way. Was disgusted by my facial hair several times. There is a thought that keeps occurring to me. The idea of the thought is that I might never be a real woman. But not in the sense that I couldn't ever get pregnant. I fear that I couldn't be a transwoman that always passes.
Friday
Annoying day but it wasn't too bad at work until someone mentioned a coworker's nice hair. That was it for me. Only now at almost 10 pm I managed to get out of the hole. But even now I still feel irritated.
Thursday
... was a good day. I feel fucked up as always, especially considering that I can't take very warm or hot weather. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Last time she promised to check if HRT is possible in my country. And it is! But it was only for less than 1 year. Basically European court of human rights made my country to make it happen. Of course there are many steps but at least it's possible. Next time I'm going to do some personality tests for 3 hours. That test will be divided into 2 parts so it isn't too exhausting.
I was talking about my dysphoria with my psychiatrist and it felt so weird. I never talked about this with anyone. Partly it felt like I was an imposter, making this up. Even though I would give up everything to be a real woman, I don't feel like a woman right now. I feel more like a woman than a man, that's for sure but it's like I'm still NB. Maybe that's why talking about my dysphoria and potential transition felt weird. The mindfuck can never end with this I guess.
Wednesday
Private urologist. Useless again. And the most disgusting thing is not giving a fuck enough about what a patient is telling. This put me in a bad state. After a sleep and some clear thinking I felt better. The evening was a waste in a way but I feel rested.
Tuesday
Less busy day so it felt more calm. Some dysphoric obsessions hit me multiple times. Fucking painful but I survived. In a few days my 2nd psychiatrist appointment. She should tell me what she found out about the HRT situation in my country. Last time she wasn't sure if this thing was just an idea or if it was real. Hope for the best.
Monday
Fucking heat. Anyway the day started alright I guess. Washing hair is one of the most painful things of the day. My mind was all over the place at work, but I managed to do some work in the end. Dysphoria..........................................................
Sunday
The whole day I have weak legs and feel exhausted. I can't take this heat.
I was working and listening to Gary Vee. At one moment, for a second I felt a real appreciation for what I have and for my situation right now. I was like 'wooooow'. Then a few minutes later I was back to normal. My normal. Did a decent job today though.
Saturday
Slept enough which took some time. Slow day. Now it's hot outside so I have very little energy and I feel dizzy and weak almost all the time. Up until 7 pm I only did my bathroom routine and packed some clothes to return. Then later did some actual work for a few hours. It's not too bad considering.
My default negativity and depression is a big boulder and I'm Sisyphus.
Friday
The day started with me doing the usual stuff but yesterday's state is still dragging. The dysphoria is the strongest, can't control my thinking about it. It was a while since I slipped like this. It feels like I'm stuck mentally. Like I can't let go of an emotion. At work I felt like shit but I was able to do some work. One moment I managed to see and feel the whole picture. Eyes became a bit watery for a second. That's when I knew it was good. Then at the end of work and now in the late evening I feel more or less neutral which is great compared to yesterday. And right now I don't really want to die. At least for now.
Thursday
When I'm exhausted the negativity swallows me. I don't have the will or energy to fight. It's a constant fight every day and most people have no fucking clue. Sometimes I just hate people because they don't care at all and just enjoy their lives. I guess it is fucked up how I feel but I am fucked up completely. I have to suffer so fucking much that it makes no sense. What the fuck Im fighting here for? Close to crying and thinking about death. Usually I get out of this but at these times it feels like I won't. Feels like I'm just kidding myself here.
Wednesday
While working at one moment I realized that I wasn't obsessing about anything for a while. Then immediately felt the urgent need to think about stuff... Immediately started pushing through with work and once again it kinda worked. It was choppy but I managed to keep on working even though the pace dropped.
Tuesday
Intense day with personal calls that had to be squeezed into working hours. Felt stressed out but at the same time I felt good about the progress made. Obsessions were hitting quite hard but I pushed myself very hard not to give in and it was a success I would say. Completely exhausting though. I guess got some dopamine from the fact that some new clothes were waiting for me at the parcel machine.
While doing my bathroom thing I was listening to a podcast. Someone said that early and deep default programming is like a native language. It won't go away. But you can learn new languages that help you in your life. I felt that that was the case too.
Monday
The day started with me washing my hair and the shit hit the fan. Noticed a big hair loss. The shift was real even though I started to work on that immediately. Then tapped into the anger, played some ACDC tracks loudly and did a workout. That helped to change the state a little where I could think more clearly. Then the whole day I kept battling the negativity. My mood was weird and unrecognizable but I didn't crash. I'm proud of myself a little. Super exhausted though and it's only 9 pm. Even my legs are weak, hard to walk.
Sunday
Calm and more or less productive day. Didn't give in to binge watching or eating. Kept on doing important stuff.
During the day, I often noticed the very start of a mood shift to the negative side. I was able to catch it early and stop it. I guess mostly by shifting my focus on the good stuff and/or the bigger picture.
Saturday
Slept A LOT again. Woke up with a decent headache. Painkillers, anxiety drug and caffeine did alright. Lost most of the day but it wasn't a complete waste. The most important thing is to try and learn from past mistakes like today. Even though I lack sleep a lot there has to be a limit set.
Friday
Dysphoria. When I see good looking women and teens I try to tell myself that if they would buzz their hair and remove their makeup they probably wouldn't look much better than me... I guess this sounds super fucking weird but that's what I am. A weirdo. I frequently wonder if I could look nice having a clean/smooth face, decent hair and some makeup. One of my main obsessions.
Thursday
Light day at work. These past days I'm actively trying not to get into my obsessive loops and it's not too bad so far. When OCD hits, it's hard to shift another way, but it may get easier with time. Dysphoria hits stronger though. Pure pain and sadness. But every time I try to use my will and keep focusing on what's good. Helps a little. The worst part is that I feel I will never be a real woman...
Wednesday
Lack of sleep but managed the day well.
Had to fill out some forms for the hospital. Had to mark that I'm a man which was sad and painful.
Tuesday
Intense day. Waking up at 3:30 am, going to the hospital and then work. Sleepy the whole day.
I noticed that when I'm tired it's harder to fight my OCD and negativity in general. Today I felt the shit trying to suffocate me. Somehow I withstood. I guess what helped was music/coffee/sugar, shifting focus to good things, and reminding myself this negativity and obsessions are bullshit. I didn't become all hyped and positive but it wasn't very bad as it used to be in such cases.
Monday
A holiday day. Slept enough. Now I'm in a waiting period between appointments so today did some less important things. Didn't waste too much time which is good. Feeling my back again, hope it won't paralyze me as last time...
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