Saturday

Weakness in my whole body for the whole day... such a waste. And with no real progress I feel only sadness... Hate being that sick...

Friday

A decent day. Dysphoria and health issues caused constant discomfort but overall it wasn't too bad.
At work I always can't wait for work on my butt but when I get home I usually feel fatigued.
A good mood can be like fuel for exactly everything...

Thursday

Woke up, washed myself and felt much better than yesterday. I still felt the effect from yesterday but it was nothing close. It's like I was able again to see the whole picture.
At work I started with music and energy drink which slightly boosted everything. Work becomes super annoying at the end but it wasn't too bad.
After lunch had really big emotions that boosted my mood for the rest of the day.

Wednesday

Found out I have a decent heart problem. Like it wasn't enough.
Had an appointment with a pretty psychologist. Not only she was triggering but also we talked about my dysphoria. I got so depressed I wish I wasn't even alive. I feel like I can't take it much more. I hope sleep will help a little like it used to... And what's even worse is that my mom doesn't care. Even though being on antidepressants makes it very hard to cry, I cried...

Tuesday

I lack sleep a lot. Had to take 2 energy drinks.
Saw some pretty girls that were triggering but managed to handle myself by pushing my thoughts forward. Also tried to focus on work more. I wish there was a pill that could make it all go away...
In almost 2 months I have my first psychotherapy. That will be interesting.

Monday

Received Calvin Klein thongs and they are so comfy and soft. I might start wearing panties full-time. The question is if I won't be kicked out of home...
Maybe slightly less dysphoria today. But that could be because I have seen fewer women today... Also trying my new thongs I felt the package getting in the way... That was a reminder...

Sunday

Lost A LOT of time for sleep... therefore progress was very minimal...
Felt an urgency to transition faster. A lot faster. Felt stuck.
My hair...

Saturday

12 hours in bed and headache. That's my day. And I had a great opportunity to get up at 7 am. Would have saved lots of time and probably I wouldn't have had any headaches.
Less progress = more depression
Was reading about BBL that is done in my country. Even when there was a reference to a patient it was done to a female patient. Felt so sad and dysphoric it was hard to finish reading...

Friday

Full body and face laser. Pain and anxiety, anxiety and pain. Feels good to progress though. Even if it's just a little bit forward.
At laser places work gorgeous girls and that's a huge trigger.
My fucking hair, I keep checking and adjusting my hair so it doesn't look terrible...

Thursday

Woke up at 4 am, the hospital then work. Very exhausted even before my workout.
Today was the day when my pretty coworker was at work. Once again I was being constantly triggered. Actively tried to shift my focus to other things and work. Helped a little. A LITTLE.
I crave piercings and painted nails so bad...

Wednesday

Was a decent day. Fought antidepressant fatigue with an energy drink. Worked like a charm however it's not a healthy choice.
In the office I have a big mirror. Whenever I go to the bathroom I look at it. Mostly with disgust.
If I didn't have a hair problem my appearance would be so much better. I keep seeing those good looking teen girls. Such soft features and their hair... I feel such FOMO it's crazy... And it's not only fear, I'm actually missing out on life... I want to be young forever...

Tuesday

Last day I didn't mention my drama with my mom. Basically I mentioned to my mom that my psychiatrist offered to refer me to a higher level psychiatrist where I could talk about HRT. My mom lost it. Got angry, called me names and walked away. This morning she wasn't talking to me. The whole day I couldn't focus at work... I hope I won't get kicked out. That would probably mean actual death for me...
Sometimes my face looks like 'meh', but sometimes it doesn't look great at all... Money, money, money...

Monday

A new paranoid fear of not being able to do weight workouts in the future. Knowing my health problems there is quite a chance for that. That would be terrible...
All this glutes workout makes me focus on butts more therefore I get triggered more outside. No breaks for me I guess.
The psychiatrist appointment went well. It really seems like she actually cares. At least a little bit which is something.

Sunday

Once again lots of sleep.
I had some plans and almost did none of those. This put me in a bad state. Made myself do my workout and during that I felt better. But even then I get depressed by fear that I won't grow enough... Not waiting for next week is probably one of the reasons I felt worse than yesterday.

Saturday

Fem motivational videos. Balancing motivation and dysphoria.
Workouts are sooooooo fucking hard but at the same time it feels so good in a weird way.
Played with myself a little last night and then slept a lot. Woke up, had coffee with a donut and slept again. Either I lack sleep so I compensated for it or I'm sick and need more sleep or I'm just lazy and chose bed instead of work.

Friday

Kept glancing at my pretty coworker wishing with all my heart I was her...
Once again, female fitness motivation videos help a lot! Every day I keep checking my ass to see if it grew... but it won't with my workouts. First I need to level up to weight training.

Thursday

The day wasn't that hot and I felt better. Even the evening workout was easier.
A pretty coworker was triggering me A LOT. She is beautiful in every way. It's too much for me.

Wednesday

Usual dysphoric obsessions. Posture, hair, brow...
At work remembered that when I get back home I will have to suffer my workout for at least 1,5 hours. At that time I didn't want to go home. Then I watched Bethany Tomlinson's transformation and I couldn't wait for my evening suffering.

Tuesday

Yesterday crashed before 9 pm. Didn't even brush my teeth, went to bed like a pig. Today got out of bed at 4 am, bathroom routine and did a workout after 5 am. A decent start in preparation for a hospital.
These fem gym workout motivation videos motivate me to push myself a lot but at the same time I keep getting triggered by fem bodies.
To start the workout is the hardest. I try to motivate myself by remembering the feeling during and after my workout.
Got back from the hospital with a moderate headache. It got a lot better with deep breathing.
The mind is everything...

Monday

Work was okay. Then I was almost home and then I heard a young mother silently telling her small child that I'm a guy. And that was it. It's possible that she wasn't talking about me but most likely she was. I came home all fucked up, started reacting and thinking about things in a negative way. And then a new realization came. When I get triggered I get into a negative mood. But then my thoughts and everything around me lose all positive side. I probably make no sense but whatever I'm talking to myself anyway. It's like I peel off all the positivity and only keep the negativity. That's when stacking shit comes into play.
Was making cocoa drink, glanced through the window and saw a feminine woman pushing a stroller... Fuck my life...

Sunday

Full workout after several days doing just 30% of the whole thing. Hard as fuck but it feels good after.
Obsessed a lot about my hair again. Everywhere I see people with nice hair and I feel so ugly and dysphoric...

Saturday

Breakfast at 2 pm. I really need to try harder...
I keep looking at the mirror every day expecting to see something different. Something like a real me...
So after wasting a lot of time again I got some negative momentum. Felt like shit and wanted just to lie in bed and do nothing. Made myself to prepare late breakfast and do my morning workout. And that was the start of positive momentum. After this I did a long bathroom routine with shaving and all. Felt good and felt like riding this momentum. I need to remember that the first step is the hardest and the most important. I experienced all this several times in the recent past.

Friday

Intense work day and after work I was so fatigued I could barely stand. Went straight to bed and even had to skip my workout.
Noticed my coworker's hips... I want this pain to be over...

Thursday

Fucking drugs are messing my insides up.
Today I was thinking about death, living and trying seemed pointless as not much is left anyway. The end is the same no matter what you do. Yeah sometimes I just get super tired of suffering and trying to reach a point where I could finally live some type of life.

Wednesday

After cosmetologist my face looks terrible and disgusting but I'm sure it will get better with time. A lot of time.
I'm always reminded I'm a 'man' when dealing with laser salons. It almost feels like a discrimination.
Under stress. I don't have time to take a break and relax. Wake up at 4:30 am, do procedures and get ready for work. After work procedures and several specialized workouts that take 1.5 hours. It takes over 2 hours if I feel like shit which is often the case. After all this I'm completely exhausted and most of the time it's like 10-11 pm and it's time to sleep.

Tuesday

Fatigued all day. It's so fucking annoying.
After work 9/10 pain at my cosmetologist... 10 pm and I barely can walk.

Monday

School season started and my dysphoria skyrocketed because of beautiful teen girls. This probably sounds really weird but that's my dysphoria...
Not sure if gummy bears helped but today at work I felt sharp and did a lot of work. I can't remember feeling like that.
The evening workout was one of the hardest. Maybe a lot of sugar during the day and working more could have caused it.

Sunday

Here we go again... a new skin problem in the intimate area. I can't get a break... It's likely to be a side effect of a drug I recently started taking.
I had a weird dream in which I needed to remember a certain brand name, I thought really hard and I remembered! It's the first such experience in a dream.
Workout in the darkness. That's something...

Saturday

Slept a lot and it felt during the day.
In bed and later during my workout I didn't like my genitals. I tried to imagine how it would feel and look to have fem genitals and it felt awesome. Usually I don't feel that way.
Once again, female workout motivation videos motivate and give energy to do my workouts.
When I focus on my problems I must remember to zoom out and see the whole picture.

Friday

Even though the day was difficult for me it was the best day this week.
I keep glancing at my coworker even though I shouldn't.
Sometimes my potential transition sounds weird. It feels like I'm faking and I'm just sick. Sometimes I feel like I pretend to be transfeminine even though I don't feel feminine enough. Usual mindfuck.