Wednesday

Hospital -> triggers -> gender dysphoria at 100% -> suicidal thoughts and crying at work for at least an hour
When suffering from dysphoria I would always try to push away from it. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. Sometimes the next day I would feel 'normal', sometimes I would be messed up for days or weeks. What if reaching the very bottom and crying would help release a lot of emotions and it would be easier to reset?

Sunday

A terrible hair situation started my fall into darkness. The pain and suffering became the focus of mine. Cried a few times. As always I tried to focus on potential and progress but felt nothing. Then I pushed myself to start watching an important video and after a few minutes I noticed I was able to focus on that a little and my mood got slightly better. The theme is still really dark however I'm not crying and I'm able to progress at least a little bit.

Friday

Morning. For some reason I was imagining myself having a girl time with another girl and talking about men... got really dysphoric as I didn't feel like a real woman... felt like some weirdo, like imposter...
Trichologist session again. She was triggering me as always. Then outside I saw many girls with their fem bodies. It was so fucking hard. I almost cried in the bus. On days like this there is no question if I'm a guy or not. The only question is if I'm suppressed trans.

Thursday

-Guys don't wear this type of jeans.
-I'm not a guy.
-Moron... just go...
All this made me think. Cried at work for at least 30 minutes.

Wednesday

In the deep hole again and having suicidal thoughts again. I just realized that maybe it's not really a hole but a block. Maybe the pain and suffering felt are the same as before. Maybe I'm just unable to see and feel good things and possibilities. I tried really hard to imagine and see my future scenario where I'm happy. After seeing the whole potential scenario I felt a tiny spark. Put some Metallica on, cried with a smile and felt almost my normal. Not sure if it will last though. Everything is still very unclear. I'm very annoyed and tired of all this.