Monday

Witnessed a huge hair loss but managed not to fall into the hole.
Later dysphoria got out of hand. Cried multiple times and was a little suicidal the whole day. Then in hot weather girls lose their coats and my dysphoria reaches another level. I barely survive today and it's just a beginning...

Saturday

Fuck you! Work, bitch!
Those words were said to me. By me.
After motivating myself with potential and probabilities I would feel slightly hyped. But then immediately my OCD would kick in starting a loop. What I managed to do recently was push myself hard just when my OCD was about to kick in. It's important especially in the beginning to keep on pushing hard so that I can disconnect from my OCD.

Friday

There was a time when I couldn't even see positivity. It took me several years to be able to see a positive side. Even though I have to try harder right now it's a lot easier to see the positive side compared to before. Maybe the same will work with my depression. Maybe I will be able to catch my shifting quicker and bring myself to reality more easily.

Thursday

Gender psychotherapy day. It went better than expected. I was very open and she was nice and accepting. For the first time I used fem pronouns in real life. It wasn't too uncomfortable in front of her. Also we agreed to do our sessions once every 3 months while I work on my anxiety with another psychotherapist. It's all good if my finances weren't messed up...

Wednesday

Tomorrow is probably my last gender psychotherapy session. Very sad about it but it might be for the best no matter what happens.
I doubt so much about my gender... but there are times when I have hope and I'm so excited about transitioning. I feel I can be a lot happier.

Friday

Next week I have probably my last gender psychotherapy. Feeling really sad about that. Also I'm preparing some counterarguments which might make my psychotherapist upset with me.
If I SEE my potential future I start getting hyped. Imagining it doesn't seem to work very well. I noticed that when I visually see irl or online it can hit me much harder. Maybe I should create some collection of visual material...

Tuesday

I was managing myself quite well until our office janitor came. She is nice to talk to but she managed to call me a man at least 3 times which was a stab in my heart. After that I felt I was pushed into a negative state and my dysphoric thoughts became more heavy. They were harder to control. Even now before bed I still think about it a little.
My psychologist is really kind and nice to talk to. Even though she is my trigger. I wish I had a friend like her.

Monday

When I think about it I always get very sad and depressed because I know that to be myself I will have to lose my relationship with my parents. But I realized that I might be putting too much importance on that. The end is coming and it's not that far. If they don't care about my happiness fuck them. I should try to be happy for that short time before I'm gone. Even that good relationship would be very temporary because the end is coming to everything anyway... However this damned relationship plays a big part in happiness...

Saturday

I played some goth playlist and went to bed because I felt dizzy and sleepy. Some song started playing and I felt starting to wake up and get some motivation to start going. That never happened before.

Wednesday

Laser day. The pain is huge and the results aren't that great. As always on this day I get very dysphoric and messed up.
I'm a little sick. So this and the heat outside just kills me. I was sitting in the bus and I saw a woman outside. And for some reason I felt it was me. Or was it supposed to be me. Sometimes I get really weird...
Sometimes I get so tired of not being able to be me that I feel soon I might explode.

Tuesday

First general psychotherapy session. The psychotherapist was meh. Even though it would be very useful in general but it will be so expensive for such a long time...

Sunday

Obsessing on issues that are 100% fixable. I fixate on those and feel pressure to repeat my thought loops which I realize are stupid and pointless. Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed.

Saturday

Emotionally weird day. One moment I was even doubting if my gender dysphoria was real. Also one moment I'm quite hyped about possibilities and potential life, another moment I don't believe anything and want to die.

Friday

An okay day I guess.
I keep looking in the mirror and expect to see myself looking more feminine...
It keeps me bothering more and more when people use masculine pronouns to refer to me.

Thursday

The day was meh but the evening fucked me up. Dysphoria at its best...

Wednesday

My hairstyle is short with a slight fem accent. Also I was carrying an umbrella which guys here don't normally do.
I was walking to work and some weird man approached me. He asked me if I was a man or a woman. According to him from a distance he thought I was a woman. I was a little scared and confused so I told him I was a guy. Felt terrible about it... Anyway after that I couldn't stop smiling. He made my day. It was the first time I confused someone like this. Even later at work I would remember this and I would just start smiling.

Tuesday

For most of the day I felt decent because I was focusing on potential. Later I shifted to negative stuff and felt my energy disappearing and me getting sad.

Monday

Hot weather is around and I feel very sad and anxious about the fact that my bad posture will be very visible.
When my anxiety and OCD are combined my mind and thoughts are very active and irritated. It's super difficult to calm down and focus on something productive. I noticed that it's much easier to calm down and start focusing on something more enjoyable, like an episode of my favorite show. Then when I'm calmed down and more focused it's less difficult to shift to something more productive.