Fun in the dark and then lots of sleep...
Wasted a lot of time as usual.
Feel anxious about my full body laser on Saturday... it will be so painful with the potential for some burns... Also will have to take some drugs as I'm still a little sick.
Thursday
Wednesday
Felt sick and eventually got a sick leave for the rest of the week. I guess I'm risking getting fired for getting sick often.
Hair gives soooooo much to person's look...
Felt a lot of FOMO today when it comes to gender.
Tuesday
Electrolysis on fingers. First of all, it's insanely expensive. I knew it was expensive but it will be even more expensive than I thought. Second, it's painful. It wasn't too bad but it was quite painful. And this time it was my fingers. I can't imagine how the pain will be on my face or genitals...
Dysphoria. Today it was skyrocketing at the electrolysis place. Pretty young women around... it was sooooo painful...
Monday
A decent day even though I'm still sick.
Today felt dysphoric more than usual. Not sure why.
In my mind I said 'I'm not a man' and it felt weird. It felt like I was degrading myself. I guess it comes to default programming.
Chose food instead of workout. I need to get back on track.
Sunday
OCD, depression, anxiety, gender dysphoria and toxic home... Survive this...!
Next week I have electrolysis and laser sessions. Hope I won't be too sick to have those sessions.
Saturday
Terrible headache the whole day. Couldn't do anything but feel the pain. Even painkillers didn't help much.
Friday
Felt even more sick. Very disgusting but I have felt worse.
Dysphoria is the worst. If money wasn't an issue I could have a chance...
Thursday
Felt awful as I'm also sick. It was insanely hard to do any work...
Noticed the coworker's feminine facial features and pure sadness took over... And the damned hair...
Wednesday
From early morning and almost the whole day felt very weak. Felt a little sick but in the end it wasn't too bad.
Was checking out my coworker's hair and being super jealous.
On the way home saw multiple young girls that triggered me a lot. Also saw one with her baby which was again triggering. I will never be able to get pregnant...
Tuesday
Painkillers, 3 cups of coffee and energy drink. Thats how I survived today...
Today my dysphoria was more active. I'm getting stronger hits... I'm really tired of being in this body. Feels like I'm trying to fix and modify it but it keeps falling apart...
Monday
Everyone was going to celebrate a coworker's birthday and I was minding my own business like a weirdo. I liked it though.
Was referred to as a guy and that messed me up for like an hour at least...
Overall the day wasn't too bad. I just keep thinking that cis women are welcome to express themselves as they want...
Sunday
Headache second day in a row. Did almost nothing again. Only in the late evening it got better.
Made my first electrolysis appointment for my fingers and eyebrows in less than 2 weeks. Feels good to make some progress.
Friday
One of the better days when it comes to physical discomfort. It's obvious that better nutrition can help a lot.
Dysphoria was a challenge for a whole day as my pretty coworker was at work. Also even my manager triggered me a little.
For a few days I've been very obsessed with a desire to paint my nails. It hurts...
Made some appointments for face and full body laser sessions. That will be a real torture.
Thursday
Day off. The urologist was painful. The day was mostly a waste but the purpose was to have some more sleep so...
There were some young women in the hospital who were triggering but that's my life...
Wednesday
Less than 5 hours of sleep. Felt close to fainting at work. Only strong coffee and energy drink later helped. Taking a day off tomorrow.
Had my psychologist appointment. My psychologist is very pretty and she is always triggering me really bad. The main focus was my negativity. I was reminded that sometimes I forget some important things to be grateful for.
Monday
Usual physical discomfort but the day wasn't too bad. One coworker was wearing a nice black fem suit. She looked really good and that was my trigger. From time to time I would feel dysphoric. Even after work I saw some random woman walking the stairs and I knew I would never be like her...
Sunday
I focused on my hair more today and fell into a deeper depression. Even though I know that I got stuck on a hair problem and that's what caused my episode, I couldn't make myself get out of it. Losing hair is painful but what's even worse is a good chance I won't be able to fix it in the end. Also such depressive episode takes away most of the day which means I lose time. Feels like no one really cares and I'm all alone...
Saturday
Once again slept not too much but quite a lot. Had a mild headache for the whole day. Did some work but way too little.
Felt FOMO today. If not for me feeling like shit most of the time my progress would be a lot better.
Friday
At work pushed myself a little and not sure if it was because of that but today I wasn't very sleepy or dizzy. Did quite a good job too.
My pretty coworker was wearing a skirt today. Even though I don't really like skirts it was a big trigger.
I get annoyed when I hear fake laughs and chats. I can't understand how people enjoy that.
Thursday
The day was very exhausting but the day was good.
It was the first psychotherapy session that cost almost what I make in the whole week... However it was better than expected. The psychotherapist agreed to have me as her patient even though she is very busy. She was really open-minded and supportive. She has some experience with gender dysphoria too. She even used the pronouns she/her with me. It was weird but at the same time it felt nice, felt confirming.
In the evening my good mood was slightly messed up when my mom didn't care to ask how it went. She clearly wants nothing to do with that. She would like it if I would suffer in silence and pretend my whole life. I wonder if me killing myself would be more acceptable than transitioning...
Wednesday
Slightly better day but I still felt like shit as always.
I kept thinking about my psychotherapist appointment tomorrow. Feel very anxious. I guess mostly I fear that she will be hostile and/or slightly homophobic. Or that she will see trans people as sick...
I hate my wide back! It wouldn't be too bad if my hips were at least slightly wider...
Tuesday
Worse day than the last one. A little less than 5 hours of sleep so that probably added a lot. After lunch even with caffeine I was sleepy and slightly dizzy. Barely could work...
Was triggered by a coworker's wider hips... Today I was triggered multiple times but managed not to dwell and to focus on other things.
Trying to eat less sugar and snacks. Even remembering this makes me slightly sad.
Monday
Not the worst day. Felt like shit but it wasn't too bad. I feel either bad or very bad. Sometimes I feel good. Just sometimes...
Heard my coworker talk and my mind was like 'soft voice, female, estrogen...'. Immediately started shifting my focus to work and somehow managed not to fall into dysphoric darkness.
These days it's dark when I go to and from work. For some reason I like this darkness. Feels good...
Sunday
-Next week I'm going to a psychotherapist.
-I don't care.
The end.
Felt affected by this for most of the day...
Wasted lots of time again. I keep slipping... I feel like I tend to slip more when I feel like shit. And after a decent time-wasting session I feel even worse...
Saturday
Most of the day I felt dizzy and tired. Very tired of feeling like shit. Because of that I barely progress. Of course there is some relation to laziness but that's not major.
Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out. I'm getting older and I still haven't actually lived...
Friday
IBS is fucking killing me... if not this work would be soooooooo much easier. Fuck me...
Was triggered multiple times by my pretty coworker. I guess when I feel like shit I focus a little less on my triggers. Currently I'm triggered mostly by hair. I'm so afraid meds won't work for me...
Thursday
Last holiday day. Everything is the same. Slept a lot, had weak legs, some dysphoria. Did 1 workout though which is something but far from enough. Not even talking about progress as it barely exists. Sometimes I get this mind activity when I can think and plan things quickly. Sometimes I even impress myself. But since I went on meds I rarely get that increased mind activity.
Wednesday
Holiday day. Slept more. Huge headache for the whole day. I barely done anything productive...
I hate that my genitals get in the way when wearing panties... it's like a reminder...
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