Tuesday

Today my dysphoric momentum went on. Not only I was reacting to triggers more but also reactions were much more painful. Also for the first part of the day I felt lost and lonely. All this causes a bad mind state where I start doubting that I will ever achieve anything meaningful.
In my language there is a stupid saying that says something like 'men are like children'. This talkative coworker said that out loud and then apologized to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was close to saying 'who said I'm a man?'.

Monday

Dysphoria and pain. Full body laser was very painful. I'm afraid that because of that I won't get the same effect other people do. Also had to focus on my genitals which was triggering. But mostly what was triggering were those young good looking laser technicians... I hate my life...

Sunday

Once again slept way too much... shitself is winning for a while now and I need to manage it better.
Today's obsessions were my hair and laser. I'm paranoid that laser might now work that well on me...
Tomorrow I'm lasering everything below my eyebrows. It will be soooooo painful...

Saturday

Got out of bed around noon. Disgusted by myself. Also dizziness and intense headache for the rest of the day. Progress is almost non-existent.

Friday

Woke up at 5 am which was insanely hard. Did my workout and had an early breakfast. I liked it but felt weak and sleepy for the rest of the day. I think I'm still a little sick and/or my body fell out of a habit to be active.
In the evening I mostly wasted time but it felt good in a way... like some recovery...

Thursday

Real progress is suffering but I don't remember feeling down when suffering because of real progress. These days I wasted so much time I'm even ashamed to admit. Also at the same time I feel more depressed.
Looking at my oily and thinned out hair... it's just disgusting...

Wednesday

All the same. Slept a lot, did some reading and hated myself for not progressing more.
My mind works the best when I'm comfortable but not too comfortable...

Tuesday

Slept a lot and felt sicker than yesterday. Disgusting feeling. Mostly because of that there was almost no progress which sucks...
The only thing that triggered my dysphoria today was fem workout video.
Most of the time I don't feel any connection between hard work and potential results. When I connect those two I get really motivated.

Monday

Got sick leave for a week which is great for relaxing and making some progress. Of course the progress won't be huge as I'm still sick.
Was called a guy/man multiple times today and it was disgusting. All this put me in a bad state.
The psychologist's visit went alright. I was dysphoric but I kept switching my focus to the talking and it was manageable. I kept thinking how lucky she is to have such a nice body...

Sunday

I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it when I am called a boy/guy/man.
Today I felt a loss. Felt terribly sad but at the same time there is a chance for the future. My upcoming days will probably be much harder now.

Saturday

Being sick sucks. Especially when I can barely progress.
Not sure if related but at the end of the day I felt more depressed than usual. That's definitely related to a person I'm close with. With my paranoia and obsessive personality I can easily ruin a good relationship.

Friday

Loads of health related discomfort. Also got sick and had to go home a bit early. I hate that this might stop my progress.
On the bus I saw a cute teen girl with tiara. That triggered my dysphoria.
I like my a bit aggressive boots however this doesn't make me look feminine which is sad in a way.

Thursday

Pretty coworkers day. Felt really dysphoric. Her body, her hair, her face...
After lunch felt like shit, felt super dizzy and sleepy. It's obvious it's not because of lunch alone. Something else is wrong with me...

Wednesday

Rain in the morning made my morning a bit weird but then it got better. Health issues were acting up quite a lot which made me really uncomfortable. The day itself went alright. Dysphoria was manageable. I guess I focus more on the talking going on so my mind is a bit more occupied.
On the way home thinking about sex in a positive way was something new.

Tuesday

Average day with average suffering. Dysphoria was active but not at its peak. Had a chat with my talkative coworker. In a way it was nice but at the same time it was a bit exhausting.
My spoken English is worse than I expected... This also limits my options in life.

Monday

It was an ok day. Seems like certain medications are helping a little.
Found out that all my coworkers know that I don't like talking. Nothing special but it was weird to hear anyway.
After work felt weakness in my whole body again...

Sunday

Last night had a dream that I finally got my belly button and nipples pierced. I was a bit disappointed when I woke up.
Did a decent amount of work which feels good. However I could have done it in a lot shorter period of time.
After lunch I felt fatigued and weak legs for the rest of the evening.

Saturday

Got up around noon again... it's soooooo hard to get up at like 8-9 am. But I will have to learn to do it as I can't keep wasting so much time. Also with this much sleep I feel more fatigued and weak.
Shaving and showering got me tired. Did some work so the day wasn't a complete waste.
I had no idea that another person could have such a huge impact on my mood and life in general. I always thought I didn't need a relationship as I'm good by myself alone.

Friday

Today I wore thongs so that was a bit exciting.
A pretty coworker has long and nice hair. I witnessed when she just casually put them into a bun... It's difficult to describe how I felt but the pain was real...
Drinks, snacks and good music are my saviors.

Thursday

Everything was pretty much the same except today was my first time trying panties! It was more comfortable than I expected. I loved it!
I'm not really waiting this weekend as some work is waiting... But knowing that tomorrow is Friday feels good.
I always thought I was cold lone wolf but turns out I'm more normal than I thought...

Wednesday

Basically the same day as yesterday. Huge stomach area discomfort almost the whole day which makes it super difficult to do any work. It's literally suffering. Also felt dizzy and very fatigued for several hours, could barely understand what I was doing...
This new coworker is a bit talkative so had some small chat. It was so weird to actually talk. I think I'm completely losing my ability to communicate.
It's so weird that hair could cause so much pain and unhappiness.

Tuesday

Felt like shit again. Damn this suffering...
My manager called me a man... that messed me up for several hours...
Did just part of my workout so that I can do more side work... Feels like I could have done my whole workout and work was just an excuse...

Monday

It felt so disgusting most of the day that it was challenging to do any work.
I have 2 coworkers in my office sitting near me so I see them often... feeling dysphoric most of the time. It's really hard...
My social anxiety and people pleasing personality are always active and I'm fighting those the whole time... but when I talk to my favorite person in my life social anxiety reduces a lot. It's a really awesome feeling when my surroundings start to matter less.
Today my discipline was tested. I'm happy I chose the hardest way.

Sunday

So it felt almost alright with my mom and I mentioned hair clips again... Everything changed so quickly. I was asked not to be sick/freak/pervert and she stopped talking. I hate being in this body so so so much...
Also I hate my health issues. If not for them I would be so much more productive...

Saturday

Got up at ~11:30 am. Progressing in the wrong direction... Did a decent job today considering...
Tried some new panties. Loved them but I will have to wear them longer to see how they will feel on me. I hate my front package ruining the experience...

Friday

So I can't keep a cooler air at work because I'm not alone anymore. Hate it.
Sadness was hitting me hard today. I still sometimes glance a little at my pretty coworker and it's like a knife into my heart... I'm sure she doesn't even realize how lucky she is...
Also when people refer to me as a boy/guy it's starting to become really painful and sad.

Thursday

It became quite cold. Love it.
I felt terrible the whole day which was a real suffering. But again, I guess that's nothing compared to the dysphoria I face whenever I look at my pretty coworker. What I wouldn't do for that look...

Wednesday

The only problem with women's pants is that the front pockets are super small. I'm happy that I solved this problem.
Today I was kept triggered by a coworker's hair and nails.

Tuesday

From early morning felt fatigued and slightly dizzy. Energy drink helped. Once again.
New coworker. Quite good looking. Felt dysphoric but wasn't too bad.

Monday

A decent day. There was some meeting at work and I wasn't invited. At first it felt weird but then I really appreciated the situation.
I had no idea how special it can feel to have someone close and supportive...

Sunday

Slightly more progress than yesterday but still it's way too little... Most of the day felt weakness in my body again... I feel like with progress like this I will lose my youth without being able to enjoy it...
Haven't washed my hair for 2 days and it looks disgusting so today felt really dysphoric about my hair.