Friday

So it turns out I have androgenic alopecia. The only thing I'm missing right now is cancer. The frequency of suicidal thoughts increased. The thought that I will be ugly will prevent me from feeling feminine. I can't take it...

Thursday

I'm barely hanging because of my hair situation. It's shedding so much. And what about all my other problems... I fucking want to die and end this endless suffering...

Wednesday

Slightly better day mentally. There were a few times when I stepped into the zone 'fuck fuck no no noooo, ah shit here we go again...'. Overall wasn't too bad compared to the previous days. But there isn't a single minute when I don't think about my hair... Overall problems. I almost have them ALL. Sometimes I think about my luck...

Tuesday

The whole day was obsessing about my hair loss. Thinking about tomorrow's hair wash... Basically was obsessing about my hair and doing some work. That's all I was doing today.

Monday

Washed my hair and the hair loss was insane. Probably half of it comes from using Minoxidil but it hit me really hard. Whole day was fucked up, I could barely work. Even right now I'm barely hanging...

Sunday

Focused on my hair situation and the mood started to shift fast. Soon enough I was quite depressed. Somehow with reality self-talk and workout managed to make it manageable. I noticed that usually Sunday is when depression hits the hardest. I think it's related to the fact that the work week is about to start.

Saturday

Maybe it's because of this heat but I slip a lot these days. I figured out how to help it. Now I imagine where this behavior leads. Like what is the endpoint if I would continue on that behaviour. That can scare you a lot. But at the same time it can be a great motivator.

Friday

Not all eggs are in one basket. That's what helps me not to crash into darkness. Many things are going bad but there are some other things that are going okay and still in progress. Remembering that helps to lift my mood a little. However the few most important things that aren't going well are like a magnet that keeps pulling no matter what you do. 

Seeing pretty girls with nice legs brings me so much pain that sometimes I feel like it's almost physical.

Thursday

Nothing new. Heat makes me super fatigued and dizzy. And seeing any woman I feel pure envy. Oh and my hairline. That's my daily trifecta.

Wednesday

Envy. I see girls and can't imagine how happy I would be being them. Feels like I will never be a real woman. I will be some pretender stuck in the middle... There were a few times when I felt it would be still okay but in general it's very painful.

Feel so horny...

Tuesday

Had to go to a barber to get my hair cut. Felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dysphoric and it fucked me up for the whole evening. It's insane how much time I have to sacrifice for the inner fight alone.

The heat... I have to put a lot of effort just to walk and do my usual activities.

Monday

First day with short shorts. Noticed some people glancing at my legs. At the end of the day I almost got used to it.

The heat is slowing the progress A LOT.

It's even hard to watch movies/series as women in these trigger me... Can't get a break.

Sunday

A calm day with very little progress. I slipped a bit with my daily progress, have to get back at it. Depression and OCD were at bay today which is good. I still feel a constant itch, like I'm on the edge of falling but managed not to.

Tomorrow is my first day in short shorts. Feel a bit anxious.

Saturday

Waste of time but it was a conscious decision as I needed a break. OCD was active the whole day which is tiring. I guess I have this deep habit of fixating and obsessing over stuff. My mind is never just calm. If there isn't much to obsess about, the mind will start searching for some topics to obsess over. 

Friday

Super fatigue and dizziness. That's my life now. Like it wasn't enough already.

I keep wondering how my dysphoria developed. 8 years ago I didn't feel anything close to dysphoria, considered myself normal. In a way. When I would look at myself I would feel good. Usually people feel it from an early age.

Thursday

There was a point when plain sadness hit me. Felt lonely for the first time. At the end of the day I got better.

Sometimes I feel the urge to come out to my mom which is probably a bad idea.

Wednesday

These days I'm walking on ice trying not to crash. I feel I'm on the very edge. Gender dysphoria and my hair dysphoria. It's like a constant irritation in my mind. I feel it the whole time. Trying to ignore and/or shift my focus every minute so I don't crash into darkness. What the fuck is waiting for me in the future? It's dark as fuck...

I think my OCD boosts my dysphoria.

Tuesday

So I read in multiple sources that caffeine causes some additional cortisol. Today was my first day without caffeine. And caffeine was a very big part of my life. Today was crazy suffering. My mind was working just partly, potentially made some mistakes at work. Most of the time it felt like I will faint or crash on the table. All this comes mainly from some health issues but caffeine helped a lot to keep working. It's insane that every part of me is totally fucked up. Is it worth suffering?

Monday

Psychologically today was better. I'm bothered not only by hair loss but also by bad hairline. And this wouldn't be an issue if I had enough money. Money can buy happiness. 

Sunday

Was in the hole the whole day, it's so painful that I cried. Some tears fell into my ear because I was in bed. Before crying I was thinking about death and how it could end my pain. Thought about slitting my wrists. It would be the last painful thing. After I actually cried I felt a bit better. And all this because of my hair situation. And I can't find a real specialist that would know his/her shit. Could barely do any work today as I was all fucked up. And I have to work more so I can afford those scams...

Saturday

Slept for more than 10 hours. Needed this.

On weekends I don't get very dysphoric as I don't go out. Only if I look in the mirror I will get depressed.

Macro thinking is key to staying on track.

Friday

Damn those girls with gorgeous butts and legs... Getting triggered every second outside. But that's nothing compared to my hair situation... No guarantees at all and that terrifies the most.

Even though it's a total suffering, doing important stuff that must be done lifts the mood a little.

Thursday

There is a scene from the Matrix movie when Neo is trying to avoid bullets and getting scratched. That's me trying to avoid daily dysphoria.

Sometimes I manage to hype myself up to the point when I feel like I'm going to win.

Wednesday

Lack of sleep... Trying not to look much at girls outside as dysphoria is punching me every second. The worst thing is that I feel like I will never be a real woman. Like I might try to pretend but I think I will be considered as some crossdresser... That hurts the most. Sometimes I barely feel any will to live.

Tuesday

The day was going very slow. The heat is making me feel REALY bad. Received some skinny jeans from women's section. That felt good. My hair and facial hair. It's torture. Thinking about going out in my short shorts for the first time tomorrow or the day after. I feel anxious.

Monday

The day started with insane neck irritation after shaving. Fucking laser. Then the whole day was spent in the capital city in hot weather. Then PRP and then I sensed that my trichologist has no clue what's the cause of my thinned hair. Half of the salary spent on air. Maybe. Fuck.

Sunday

Stayed in bed for too long but the day was more or less productive. Could've done way more but it wasn't too bad. Can't wait for my facial hair to be gone. It's so disgusting to look at myself in the mirror. And I can't forget how much I desire piercings and painted nails...

Saturday

I don't know what's happening but I can't get enough sleep. At 2 pm I went for a quick nap, woke up at 4 pm. Was able to get out of bed only after 5 pm. And that's some time wasting right there. Basically all I did today was 2 workouts and a very long IPL legs session.

-Men don't wear such shorts.

-Maybe Im not a man (saying in a joking tone)

-Fuck this, I think you might not be joking...

Friday

2 main obsessions today. One is that maybe laser won't work for me. Even though it's working but one area got burned so now paranoid that the laser might not work for me... Fuck that would be some luck. Another obsession was related to dysphoria I guess. Today noticed my coworker's painted nails and felt such a huge desire to have my nails painted. Black of course. I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it... Why I'm not allowed to have such freedom? Fucking society.

Thursday

Doc appointment. Went alright I guess, not really what I expected though. Then headache. A bit bad reaction to the laser which caught me off guard. Saw some women outside. Painful. Usual. The mood is slightly negative.