Sunday

Once again super fatigued and weak the whole day. Could barely sit for 10 minutes. Will try to take a break from heart medication to see if that helps. It got much worse after I started those meds.
Slowly got depressed. The main reason was my dysphoria and not being able to afford FFS. What helped me to break out of this depressive state were a funny video and bright light in the room.

Saturday

I was super fatigued and weak the whole day. At least half of the day spent in bed. Barely made any progress again...

Friday

Headache the whole day but not too bad overall.
Felt dysphoric when I noticed my coworker's wider hips. If I had only been born female...
In the evening I overate a little again but did my workout. Barely though.
I keep having this thought - what if I only admire and like the feminine body and that's it?

Thursday

A lot better day when it comes to physical discomfort. Also all this helps my mental state too.
On the bus I observed teen girls' feminine facial features...
On Reddit I saw 66 yo transwoman who looks like she is 40. That gives me some hope.

Wednesday

It was a terrible first half of the day. Physical discomfort reached new highs however later after lunch it got a lot better.
When it comes to my dysphoria and hair everything remains the same. I'm afraid Finasteride won't work and it will be over for me... What I wouldn't do for decent looking hair...

Tuesday

Holiday day and a lot of time was wasted. Mostly because due to medicine I feel weak and fatigued the whole time.
Focused more on my hair situation and started getting really depressed again. Fighting this shit all the time...
I feel weird about work tomorrow. Trying to remind myself that my finances aren't great and that I need to push forward.

Monday

Felt dysphoric more than usual. Also felt a huge sadness thinking that my parents would hate me completely if they knew the real me... And some FOMO too...
I had a thought. What if I feel the way I feel because I just like how women look and that's it?

Sunday

Heart medicine makes my muscles weak therefore it's super hard to do my workouts.
Wasted so much time as I'm on time wasting momentum. It's so hard to make myself work on important stuff however if I do it then I gain productivity momentum.

Saturday

I got up earlier than usual which felt good mentally and physically. Also the day was quite productive.
I'm tired of getting really dysphoric even from movies/series...

Friday

Trichologist day. It made me focus more on my hair which was painful. But even more painful was seeing this pretty and cute trichologist. She had such feminine features it was hard to watch. Also she took some pictures from my side... when I looked at those what I saw wasn't my hair. All I saw was my disgusting brow... felt sooooo dysphoric.
From now on I'm going to have my expenses increased by over 200 euros... it's going to be really difficult...

Thursday

Electrolysis day.
Saw many girls with feminine features and I got messed up...
A huge headache and the whole evening lost.

Wednesday

Quite a productive day however additionally exhausting. In the evening I slipped and overate again. These days it's harder to control myself but that's probably because I empowered this habit.

Tuesday

Most likely new drugs make me very sleepy which makes it so hard to work... even with lots of caffeine.
After work some girls were triggering me but that's usual.
I bought some fem thongs and then a thought came. What my parents would think... became a little depressed but started fighting it so I don't crash.

Monday

The morning started with very weak legs and an inability to do my workout.
Tried FaceApp and became even more dysphoric. Every time I watch at my reflection I look for feminine features which is difficult to find...
Slipped and overate again however I remembered David Goggins and did my workout. It took a crazy time but I did it.

Sunday

I got out of bed just a little before 1 pm...
I can barely finish half of my usual workout. After that I felt very weak in my legs. Also slightly dizzy.
Progress is almost non-existent which depresses me a lot.

Saturday

Weight gain... I'm sure long use of antidepressants helps with that a lot...
The whole day felt weak and dizzy... didn't even do my workout. I feel like some pig. Also mostly because of that I lost a lot of progress...

Friday

Dysphoria was very exhausting today. If I didn't have coworkers near me I would be lost in my OCD completely. Also I keep having questioning thoughts. What if I'm not trans? I tried to imagine myself as a guy but somehow it felt like I was pushing. I wish it was binary and clear...

Thursday

Overlsept and didn't have enough time to wash my hair. All this put me in weird state and I felt weird the whole day. Not too bad though.
Pretty coworker's day. Dysphoria was real. She is so lucky that she looks the way she looks...

Wednesday

Today I was alone in the office so my OCD/dysphoria was hard to deal with. It was harder than usual but I survived.
Afraid that I might not be able to save my hair...

Tuesday

A decent day, even my IBS didn't cause lots of problems. Have no idea why.
Felt dysphoric however it was easier to look at things from positive perspective. Even though I feel very dysphoric about multiple things I was able to see that most of those things is possible to fix or at least improve.
I wish I could feel like today all the time. I would progress much faster.

Monday

In the morning I still felt slightly negative, felt me reacting to things from a negative side. At work felt sleepy and depressed. It was a very similar feeling I used to feel. Eventually after lunch it got better, almost like came back to present me. In the evening I even felt slightly positive. Still very dysphoric about my brow and hair...
In late evening I chose a 2nd episode instead of progressing on my dream. A minute before I made my choice I thought about where each option leads to. Chose wrong anyway. Acting like some animal.

Sunday

Did some decent work but slowly got depressed. Even had wet eyes. Also felt dysphoric more, it was more painful. It's still really hard to get out of this state.

Saturday

Got out of my bed just a little before 1 pm. It seems I can't control myself... and I really have to if I want to achieve something before I die...
Had mood swings but managed not to fall into the hole. A few times felt a little hyped from what's possible...

Friday

Lots of physical discomfort during the first part of the day. Was very dysphoric on the bus when I saw nice teen girls... those soft faces... and hair! FFS could help with that in the future however it can't be much done with my body shape which is sad.
There is potential to make thousands every day and it feels weird not being able to exploit that. I need to push myself more. Somehow...

Thursday

7 am hospital and then work. At work felt weird, like I was lost/confused, and lacked confidence. Something must have been triggered.
Seeing myself from the front isn't too bad, however my face profile looks bad... Hate not having enough money for surgeries.

Wednesday

Hard day with a lack of sleep... But the worst happened when I took a photo of my face from one side. I saw some masculine features that triggered me hard. Felt very dysphoric. Started obsessing with this view for several hours. Trying to remember that it's possible to fix it... with big money...

Tuesday

First work day after a week of sick leave. It was even weird to walk outside. The first part of the day was the worst as I got very little sleep.
Psychologist appointment after work. She is young and pretty so the trigger was huge however I managed not to crash. Also gender related talk makes me focus on that a lot which puts me into a more depressive state. However today there were a few positive things to focus on which helped.
A hard day but a productive one. Considering...

Monday

Negativity stacked and my dysphoria skyrocketed. At least I had enough money so I could progress faster and suffer less.

Sunday

Lots of sleep, lots of time wasting activities... Maybe because of that I felt more depressed which elevated my dysphoria... was looking at myself in the mirror and I had big doubts that I could ever look like real me...

Saturday

Laser day which was a little less painful than expected.
A toxic home adds to depresion quite a bit.

Friday

Got up just a little before noon, had my coffee, sent my package, shaved my whole body in preparation for laser tomorrow. That's it. As always could have done much more...